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477
Stickied postModerator of r/relationship_advice

/r/relationship_advice just passed one million subscribers!

Thanks everyone, we can all go home now.

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Check back in about 24 hours and I’ll tell you how it went. If I wimp out again, feel free to roast me or whatever. I’m telling you all this so that I force myself to not disappoint anyone.

Also, some confidence boosters would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for all the advice you’ve given me over the course of several months. Here goes everything.

TLDR: I’m asking my crush out tomorrow and I want you all to root for me so that I don’t disappoint.

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December 14th, 2018. A day that will live in infamy. This is an update to this here post that I put up a few days ago. To summarize, I inadvertently found out that a girl I had expressed obvious interest in had been dating my sister, and immediately entered a crisis lockdown mode. Since then, I've been working to address the situation. I think I can safely say without exaggeration that these have been the most consequential hours in the history of the human race.

Since a few people wanted an after-action report once the whole thing was finished, here's a summary I've made now that the dust is cleared.

DAY 1, 19:00 HOURS -- "A SHADOW OF A DOLT"

After a few hours of packing, reading responses to the thread, and stalling, I decided to make my first move. I abandoned my original plan to fake my death after I couldn't figure out how to falsify the dental records, and settled on Plan B: act like a human being and confront the situation head on. I started for home and arrived not long after.

First impressions were good. My whole family was there to greet me, with lots of the usual hugs and jokes. Thankfully, while I was definitely freaking out when I was venting to strangers on the internet in my first post, I managed to keep it together when in real life, and acted pretty much normal. So, there was a lot of laughing, exchanging stories about what I'd been doing at school, and promises to walk the dog. Immediately my worst fear -- that my parents and brother were in the know about the awkward situation I was in -- pretty much evaporated, since they were actually no different from usual. All was fine, EXCEPT for one thing out of place: the sister in question today.

She's there too, which was a relief. However, she's also the only one not joking around or trading stories. Instead, she seems sad and withdrawn, which really isn't like her at all. Obviously that's a cause for concern even if I didn't have this whole mess lurking at the back of everything. At the same time, however, I also know that she's still in the middle of finals, so she has more reason than anyone else there to be stressed.

In light of that, and considering that she was the one that asked me to talk with her in-person, I decided to take a step back. She had a lot on her plate already without me adding to it unprompted, so I thought I'd keep being casual. There wasn't really an opportunity to pull her aside anyways, with all the family conversation, so I thought I'd hold back until she approached me about it.

Turns out, my predictions were off. While everyone else was talking, she slipped out. Then, she did the one thing no one could have ever expected -- fall asleep. It was strategy like we've never seen.

After a confused day had passed without any contact between these two factions, both sides retreated to plan their next move.

DAY 1, 21:30 HOURS -- "THE HOUR OF THE OOF"

These are the times that try men's souls. I had hoped to resolve things quickly, but that hadn't worked. Even worse, my sister seeming unhappy seemed to confirm some of my worst fears. My room at night was silent, save for rain overhead that made a weird twanging sound on my roof, like strings plucked on the banjo of fate. It was truly what the theologians called, "The Dark 11:30 EST of the Soul." Also, my computer was broken, so that fucking sucked.

Nevertheless, I resolved to continue. If my grandfather didn't give up when the Japanese bombed the Lusitania, there was no way in hell I'd give up now. The obvious solution? Ask to talk to her alone tomorrow morning. But no one could have expected what happened next. You'd best button up your butthole, because I'm about to scare the shit out of you.

DAY 2, 08:00 HOURS -- "MORNING WOULDN'T"

After having resolved to ride or die with this whole thing, I woke up the next morning ready to go. But here's what I realized immediately: my sister was gone! She'd driven back to school.

So . . . shit.

Now, someone leaving before you could have an awkward conversation once could be regarded as coincidence. But twice? Worst case scenarios loomed. She'd been the one to initially ask to talk about this in-person, but now I couldn't get ahold of her. If this was a way of avoiding talking to me about this, she must be dreading this. And keep in mind that my biggest fear was that they were pitying my misdirected interest enough to make them want to keep the whole thing under wraps rather than talk to me about it.

I learned that she was going to be back at home in the evening. That left several perfectly good hours to panic (strictly internally). Like pretty much everyone in the thread said, however, this whole thing had to be approached calmly. I was in the dark about what my sister thought, but I had to try regardless. As the saying goes, I was like a blind man at an orgy: I'd have to feel things out.

DAY 2, 21:00 HOURS -- "THE RHOMBUS OF REGRET"

The day and hours pass. At last, the moment arises: my sister comes back home. I want to get this thing over with, so I can decide if I need to start some kind of penance process of self-mortification or something. First chance I see, I take the plunge.

So. I ask her if she still wants to talk about this thing. She does, but still seems anxious about it. I sit back and listen, and brace for the worst.

She starts off with an apology for me finding out the way I did, which I told her right away wasn't necessary. She insists anyways, and said that she was planning on formally coming out to me, but was still hesitant about doing it. Now, just to reiterate from the previous thread: I had already known she was gay, on account of her having come out on Instagram. So I assured her right away that I wasn't concerned about that at all, and was already aware -- it was only who her girlfriend was that I hadn't known about.

At this point, all the apologies had come from her side, which I didn't think was at all fair. So I led by apologizing for not picking up on their relationship earlier, and for anything I might have done to make them worried about telling me. Well, she immediately assured me that wasn't the case at all. She apologized again, and said the only reason she hadn't told me earlier was because they didn't want to put me in an awkward position.

Now, them worrying about that was exactly what I was afraid of. I had gone into this whole thing already knowing what that awkward position was: I had accidentally shown interest in her girlfriend, and they didn't know how to tell me. What I was most remorseful about was the thought of having put her or her girlfriend into an uncomfortable place, where they thought they needed to tiptoe around me. I was sorry for that, and told my sister as much.

Imagine my surprise when she seemed confused. And now, I was confused. And that's when she explained a little more.

You see, after talking with her this far, she'd told me a little more about what was going on. She and her girlfriend had been dating for 3 months. The only reason my one brother knew is because he had directly asked -- clearly he noticed something I didn't. It's true that I didn't know, but neither did my other brother. And, turns out we weren't the only ones.

Now, some of you in the thread before already figured this out. Some others reading this story have probably pieced it together by now. So forgive me for being slow on the uptake -- as this whole saga proves, I'm can be pretty fucking oblivious. But it turns out this whole drama was hinging on a fact I'd completely overlooked.

Remember how I mentioned that the girl at the center of all this was my best friend's sister?

Yup, that's right. My sister's girlfriend hadn't told her brother or anyone in her family about this yet. That awkward situation my sister was worried about? Turns out, she was the one worked up about all this the whole time, because she figure'd I wouldn't want to withhold that information from my friend. I had nothing to do with it all along!

Now, I don't want to say I was relieved, because that situation is still pretty shitty for my sister and her girlfriend. And, frankly, it is a little uncomfortable to know about this before my best friend does. But holy shit, I can't even express how glad I am that it wasn't about them catching onto some residual feelings I had. It wasn't really a love triangle the whole time -- more like a non-intersecting quadrilateral where half of the people involved didn't actually have feelings for each other.

Well, first thing I did was promise that I wouldn't say a word about the relationship until they were ready for it. If I'm asked, I'm telling anyone not already in the loop that they should just ask the parties involved. My sister still seemed really broken up about not telling me, so I told her straight up that this was way, way less painful that what I had expected when she said she wanted to talk.

At that point, I just wanted to come clean about the whole thing, so I just told her I'd had a crush on the girl in question and was worried about it. Literal jaw drop. She'd never even known! And neither had her girlfriend, to her knowledge. I must have been less obvious than I thought. Well, after we both laughed and I swore her to secrecy, I told her again that I'd keep my own mouth shut. I also told her that if she and her girlfriend had any problems getting through to her brother, I'd be happy to help try and bring him around -- I don't think that will happen, but it's the least I can do. And I also promised that, no matter what, she can always feel free to bring worries like this to me. Or not. Either way, I'd support her. At last, there was a lot of hugging, and that was that.

Bit of an anticlimax, in retrospect. But I wouldn't want it any other way.

CONCLUSION -- "MUTUALLY ASSURED DUMBASS"

So anyways, that's the end. I was going to compare this situation to my personal Cuban Missile Crisis, but after talking with my sister I realized that the analogy only works if it had turned out the Russians had never actually had any ICBMs and the US almost nuked Orlando by accident.

Even so, I'm a firm believer in learning from experience. So, I'm taking the opportunity to enact new reform measures to prevent reaching DEFCON 1 over this kind of misunderstanding again, these including 1) a red phone line between me and my sister's respective capitals (i.e. telling her that she can feel free to tell me about this sort of thing if she feels the need), 2) a renewed presumption of innocence (i.e. from now on I'm assuming every woman I meet is either dating someone else, gay, or both until I shown evidence to the contrary beyond a reasonable doubt), 3) a modified form of the Mike Pence Gambit (i.e. never ever let myself be in a room alone with my sister's girlfriend under any circumstances), and 4) a major infrastructure spending bill.

All joking aside, I just wanted to thank everyone for all the assistance with this. All the comments in the thread were extremely helpful in getting my head in the proverbial game. Kudos to palatablezeus, katieames, and Stinkycheese8001 for totally calling it. Thanks as well to andreeam88, obstinatcs, and jfrth for bringing some much-needed perspective from people who've been on the other side of this. And a big concluding thanks to everyone else in the thread who tried to snap me back to reality. I'm just glad that all's well that ends well, at least until the next time I get into some embarrassing situation. Much appreciated, everyone!

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Throwaway because she knows my main account. Anyhow...

My fiancee is depressed. Has been for several years. She wont see a doctor, wont exercise, and wont eat a healthy diet. Our sex life is nonexistent. She would occasionally offer me duty sex but that's worse than no sex. It really sucks because I do love her but isn't capable of giving me what I need and she seems unwilling to change.

When we discuss it, she immediately fires back and says "Well you don't do this and you don't do that". One of her major gripes is that I don't help out a lot around the house. Which I'll admit I don't, but I do pay all of the bills. I pay 100% of the rent and utilities. I own and pay for 2 vehicles, one of which she drives. She only works part time and only has to pay her own phone and credit card bill. She will also buy groceries occasionally but that's it. I guess I feel like since she's only working part time and not able to contribute to rent that she should have to do more around the house. And it's only 700sq ft. It's not like its a huge chore to keep clean. I feel like shes just using the excuse of me not helping out around that house as being the causes of our dead bedroom.

This has been going on in cycles. I'll confess my frustrations, she'll fire back and blame me, she'll then seem to be interest in sex again, things will start to look better, and after a few weeks we'll be back to a dead bedroom. The longer we go without sex the more I start to distance myself. I feel like we're roommates. I constantly feel lonely and undesired.

Am I being reasonable here? I feel bad for leaving someone because they are depressed but I'm definitely not about to get married and this be my life from here on out.

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Posted from a throwaway account for privacy.

My husband (35M) and I (31F) have been together four years and married one and a half. In the time we have been together my husband has been extremely selfish sexually. I can count on one hand the amount of times he has focused on me in bed however he expects every intimate encounter to begin with oral sex for him. Any suggestion of him pleasing me is met with him acting repulsed. After multiple times of trying to communicate with my husband and several times asking him to do couples counseling (he refused) nothing had changed. I became more and more disinterested in sex. His initiations at sex became more and more immature. He would take his “member” out and demand oral sex. I would then refuse, and he would walk away. We are now at the point where we were only having sex about once a month or so.

Throughout all of this I never stopped trying to communicate with him. Now it has gotten to the point where he no longer initiates sex. When I initiate he takes his “member” out and if I won’t perform oral sex nothing else happens. Now all communication regarding this issue is met with him stonewalling me. His only comment is “You caused this”.

To make matters worse he often sings along to music (in car and house) and changes the lyrics to detail how his “d*ck doesn’t get sucked”. This morning I tried to speak with him again about couples counseling, so we can learn how to better communicate to each other and he told me that I’m nuts, and I need the therapy solely.

I feel like I am losing my mind and just need some outside opinions on the whole thing.

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A very brief history: we’ve been together for eight years and married for five years. We had (what I thought, anyway) a brilliant friendship and loving relationship. We barely argued or disagreed, we spent so much time laughing and enjoying ourselves, and we always took time to tell each other how much we appreciated one another.

Two years after we married he accepted a job in the city which was about an hour away from our home. Things were okay at first, but then over the months he would come home less and less. He would ring and say “I’ve had a big day at work, so I don’t feel like driving all the way home. I’m going to stay at my friend’s house.”

I was then left to do a lot of things on my own (like all the chores and home maintenance) plus attend a lot of functions on my own. At this point in time, I also had a newborn baby, so the responsibility to do everything on my own was mounting.

During this time he shifted to a different group of friends: young bachelors who either lived at home or rented with other single men. None of them had wives, mortgages or responsibilities. On weekends when he would normally come home, he would stay out till the early hours of the morning drinking and taking cocaine (which I found out later).

He always had a “good excuse” for not coming home. It was either a “colleague’s farewell drinks” or a “work function” or “I have to be at work very early in the morning, so it’s best I stay in the city.”

Even though I eventually found out about his excessive partying ways, I tried not to be a controlling harpy of a wife. I would sit down with him and explain that I was lonely, and I wish he’d come home more often. He had the good graces to look ashamed and then half-heartedly help with some chores, but then the next weekend he was back in the city.

He officially left when our second son was four weeks old. His reason? “I’m bored. I don’t love you anymore, I don’t enjoy your company anymore, and I don’t find you attractive.”

He returned to move his furniture out a week later, so now I’m living in our house on my own with two little children.

Obviously I am heartbroken, as I thought our marriage was watertight! I thought I’d done all the right things by loving him unconditionally, supporting him with his career choices and any projects he had, telling him I appreciated him, trying to take the burden off of him by doing most of the chores and maintenance at home, asking his advice on a lot of things, and just generally being respectful.

I feel like a complete fool. While I was waiting for him to come home, he was busy partying and living a double life. I can understand nobody wants to do chores or pay bills or look after a crying child in the middle of the night, but isn’t that what he signed up for? It’s as though he looked at his two lives, the “husband/father” life and the “single party boy” life and chose the latter, with complete and utter disregard for our feelings or happiness.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? How long did it take for you to heal? What did I do wrong?

EDIT: In writing this post, I inadvertently painted myself as a meek, subservient pushover. In reality, I’m not. I’m a strong-willed, confident (albeit fiery) woman, but I thought I was doing the right thing by not “nagging” my husband to come home. Too often I’d hear men complain about their wives and I was determined not to be the wife that always nagged her husband.

When he first started staying in the city on weekends, I didn’t question it (because we’d just had our first baby and everyone copes with major life changes in different ways). I guess I shot myself in the foot, however, by being TOO lenient. By the time it’d started to become a problem at home, it had become a habit for him and he was too far gone into his bachelor party lifestyle to want to change back.

Lesson learned.

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So...girlfriend (24) and I (just turned 29) have been dating for a little over 5 years. Tonight she told me she cheated on me 2 years ago with a guy who was married that I know and who is a massive douche and known for trying to sleep with any girl he can, his wife knows about it as well. My girlfriend said she couldn't keep it to herself anymore and that he still tries to contact her sometimes and everytime she turns him down because she regrets it and thinks it's a big mistake. She says she told me because of guilt and that she really wants to make it through it but I just don't know how I feel right now. I've thought of these scenarios before but NEVER thought it was happen. I mean, she is the last person you would think would do this especially with this guy and she caves and tells on herself for much smaller things so something like this I'm so shocked didn't come out sooner, especially one of the times we were drunk. Anyway, she wants so badly to stay with me but I'm so conflicted. Obviously I'm crushed, I've loved her for such a long time and we've had a great relationship together. She swears up and down that something like this will never happen again and I don't know if I can trust it....I want to still be with her but I also don't....I am just so confused. I was wondering if I could get peoples input who have stayed with someone after something like that and who has left someone like that. Just want to know how other people handled it because I am just so lost right now...

Edit: I have found out it went on for 4 months total and they would see each other about once a week. An average of 16 times and apparently not "every time was sex" they would make out and just talk a little a couple times but...I don't know if I can trust that. I'm assuming at least 14/16 were sex.

I should note, this was during a time when I had a low sex drive but I always addressed it with her and I even went as far as to talk to her about the possibility of having somebody we chose together be a "fuck-buddy" on the side for her and she said she would never do that and she was mad that I even mentioned it.

I have always tried to constantly help her and do things for her and make sure things were as good as I could. She swears up and down that she doesn't want this to define her and that she will never ever do something like this again and that I can track her and see all her texts and do everything I want to check up on her but....I don't want to be exhausted with doing all of that.

It just sucks because she has been my best friend and literally the center of my whole life for the past 5 years...it's so hard to give it all up. I want so badly to just ignore the fact that she did this and I feel like if it was just one time and she immediately ended it and regretted it then it would be a little easier but she did it over a course of 4 fucking months! I'm feeling all sorts of emotions and I don't know what I would do if we broke up either. I'm still going to hurt a shit ton and it's going to be so hard to deal with it.

I have to deal with this pain with our without her....and she's just been such a huge part of my life it's so hard to toss her out. I know this looks like i'm being a little bitch but I've always been an optimistic and forgiving person....it's insanely hard for me to do this and I'm not saying it's what I for sure am going to do but...I just honestly never though she would ever do this to me....ever.

I'm sorry for being a little crybaby all...and I appreciate all of the advice and well wishes and everything...it means so much to me right now. I just feel like I just wasn't enough...for at least 4 months I wasn't enough and it hurts so fucking much.

EDIT AGAIN: His wife always knows he cheats, I knew about it a long time ago, he's been known for it for a really long time, he always does. And my gf told me that his wife saw the texts between them two while my gf always deleted the threads. He's a really big douche and I even warned her about him long before this happened. I guess I really have myself to blame, I was the one who got her the job there in the first place...

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I want to try to keep this as short as possible, but it’s complicated. My wife and I were married for 11 years. There were various problems in our relationship, but our sex life was the most common factor in our arguments. We did not have sex for 8 out of the 11 years we were married. We have two children. She refused counseling and was generally content to just live as roommates and let me pay the bills. I tried countless times to reach out for professional help, including individual therapy. I finally decided I wanted to be loved and couldn’t stay in a sexless marriage forever. Our divorce was finalized 10 months ago, and things have been..difficult.

Basically, my ex has been harassing my girlfriend and inappropriately using our children to drive a wedge in our relationship. Now, I’ll start by saying I hold nothing against my children. Nothing. My ex has been encouraging them to basically shun my girlfriend (A), telling them it’s her fault that “daddy doesn’t love mommy anymore” (her words),and stalking her online profiles. She sends harassing messages calling her a “slut” and telling her she’s a home wrecker. At one point, she found A’s business Instagram and wrote some very sexually demeaning things about her only job being to “satisfy other women’s husbands” under one of her product photos. For clarification, I never cheated on my wife. I thought about it many times, and came close a couple times, but ultimately I chose to leave. I met my girlfriend 3 months after we separated but she is convinced I was cheating with her before separation.

I know she feels very insecure about the divorce (I don’t think she thought I was unhappy enough to leave) and telling people I cheated makes her feel better. This wouldn’t be so awful if she left the kids out of it. She tells them that I love A more than them and that’s why I want to live by myself instead of with them (I do have split custody). This has led to my daughter asking me if I’ll stop loving her and find a new daughter. My girlfriend has contacted the police but they told her unless she makes a direct threat of harm, there’s nothing they can do. Ive talked to my lawyer and am considering taking her to court for parental alienation. She has been steadily developing a drinking problem as well, so I have been weighing to effects of me filing for full custody as well.

I don’t know what to do. How do I maintain a normal life for my children when they’re being emotionally terrorized every time they leave my house? My girlfriend has kept her distance so the kids don’t have to see her, but is still facing harassment from my ex. I always figured getting a divorce would make me happier and honestly I’m not. My kids are suffering, my girlfriend is suffering, I’m suffering. I’m afraid of what she’ll do if I try to file for more custody or if I bring up a police report in court. How am I supposed to help my kids recover from this nasty fallout?

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This post could probably be really long, but I'd like to make it as short and easy as possible.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we've been struggling for the last two. We're in marriage counseling, and things have gotten a little better, but progress hasn't really stuck, yet. During our last session of marriage counseling, we brought up some times where my husband has said hurtful things to me, and it seemed like our therapist kind of sided with him, and made it seem like he had good intentions.

I don't feel like he did.

As a tiny bit of backstory, I went through some intense sexual and physical abuse when I was a teenager. I have PTSD, but I'm doing a lot better now. I went through extensive therapy and I've seen incredible changes in my anxiety levels, and it's very rare to see triggers now. It's like a whole new life for me.

About a month ago, my husband and I were driving home from dinner and out of nowhere we started talking about sexual assault. He was the one to actually bring it up. We talked about it for a while, and I could feel myself getting a tiny bit tense, nothing like I used to be, but still there. He then turns to me and says "If I were in that position (being sexually assaulted) I would fight for my life. I wouldn't let it happen to me."

I couldn't believe he said that, and I immediately told him that we don't get to choose how we respond to that kind of adrenaline. Some fight, some of us run, and so many of us just freeze, in fear that if we fight back, we WILL lose our lives. In my personal experience, they were guys that were a little older than me, and much stronger. I was so young at the time (13 years old). The guys had a history of violence. I was truly afraid for my life. I couldn't move, all I did was cry.

When I talked about this with our therapist, she told me that he was basically saying "I wish that didn't happen to you". But it still feels raw, and not very thoughtful. I don't feel like I agree with her, because his delivery was kinda like "well, I'd do better than that, if it were me" (obviously not what he said, but that was kind of the tone, and he's always "one-upping" me).

Am I holding onto this for too long? How can I work towards forgiving him? I just feel so hurt, and this isn't the first time he's hurt me emotionally. Our last session really uncovered a lot of emotional damage I've been through in this marriage, a lot of which I kind of buried.

TL/DR: My husband told me that if he were sexually assaulted (like I was), that he'd "fight for his life and wouldn't let it happen". I feel really hurt, and I'm not sure how to move forward.

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So I am 23 have graduated and moved to a city 4 hours away, but my mom still lives with my 15 year old brother. She is a single mom, and he has very bad anger issues. He is always screaming at her and calling her names like cunt, bitch, fat. He is running away, getting into fights, he is a very troubled kid. Last night my mom was telling him to go to bed because it was a school night, and he got so angry, he threw two lit candles at her, but didn’t hit her instead hitting the wall. There are 2 big holes in the wall now, so he threw with a lot of force, and there is hot wax everywhere. My mom got a panic attack and he just started screaming “die you cunt”. My mom is genuinely worried for her safety, she is scared to punish him because she thinks he would kill her. But she also won’t call the police because she doesn’t want to turn on her own son. What would be the solution here?

Tl;Dr 15 year old brother with anger problems got physically violent, what should my mom do?

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Im dating for the first time after years of being alone and worrying ill be like that forever. I really like her and i like hanging out with her but at the same time, I feel like we hang out to much? I dont know how to be with someone constantly, i have been alone for so long that i enjoy being alone its nice when she comes over to watch a movie or we go out or have sex or exercise or stay over sometimes but then i want her to go home after. Also When she stays the night i really like it when she is lying next to me but at the same time i know im going to get a shit nights sleep and be tired the next day because all she wants to do is cuddle and i cant get comfortable. Sorry for rambling but i feel like something is wrong with me. Am i a horrible person.

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Interested in your guys opinions about this one! Would you want to go on a date to a trampoline park?

I’m having a third date with a girl I met last week and thinking about doing this. First date was ice skating/hammocking and second date was laser tag/dinner/shopping. We’ve been talking a lot and I’m sure we’re both interested in each other, so I know we’ll have fun doing whatever. But the date is tonight and I’d like to see your opinions of is this a good idea! Why or why not?

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I (20m) have been with my girlfriend (20f) for 4 and a half years. We’ve been on and off a couple times but have been really good for about a year. We even recently got our first apartment together.

Im not happy for some reason and have been thinking about it for a while. Even posted on here to try to get answers. I talked to her about it and she wants to try to work it out but I’m still not sure. I don’t want to because I keep feeling like there’s something else out there and that she may not be the one. (If that’s even a real thing). I love her but I’m just not happy. On the other hand I don’t want to lose her and regret it. I don’t want to throw away something that could get better.

Our relationships isn’t perfect by any means. We argue here and there but nothing bad just usual disagreements. She has little trust for me because of stuff in the past but I’ve worked hard to build it back. I can’t go out with my friends and be trusted and anytime I do go out with my friends to do anything it’s an argument. She gets mad and I console her and fix it. I also don’t really get excited to spend time with her like I used to. Sometimes I do but sometimes I don’t.

She’s a really good person. She has a great personality and a good sense of humor. She’s incredibly caring and loves me dearly.

I may be unhappy but what if I leave and 6 months to a year I realize that she is what I wanted. We have a connection and I feel myself around her. I’m afraid I won’t have that with anyone else. I love her but I’m just not happy and searching for more I guess.

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Throwaway account. I'm currently on my phone, so I apologize for any mistakes and the long post ahead of us. So, here it goes...

My husband (28M) and myself (25F) have been married for nearly 7 years. We have 3 beautiful boys together and a pretty traditional marriage from the outside. We married when I was barely 18 and was 21, probably for the wrong reasons (I had just had our son and wanted security. He was in the army stationed away from family and also wanted security).

While my husband is a wonderful father, he's not been the best husband. He's always been very neglectful towards me. He has never made time for me or been there when I've needed him. Example 1: My sisters death anniversary approached this past summer, I was having a extremely difficult time dealing with it and had to leave work early. I told him specifically that I wasn't okay and that I needed him to be there for me. He slept in the recliner all evening and night while I cried in the bedroom, waking him up every 30 mins or so over a total of 6 hours. I told him each time that I really needed him but, he never cared enough to get up. I ended up drinking until I passed out.

Example 2: When my grandfather passed away 2 years ago, I had a extremely difficult time and begged him to stay up and watch a funny movie with me to get it off my mind. He stated that he was "too tired to watch a movie at 10:00 at night".

Example 3: Not super specific but, anytime I would be upset or crying about something he would completely ignore me and walk passed me. I would ask for his advice or comfort and get very little or no response.

On top of never being there for me when I actually needed him, he wasn't interested in sex (we once went 7 months with no sex), didn't want to take me out (we average about 1-2 dates per year), didn't want to watch TV with me, play board or video games with me, basically nothing. We lived side by side but hardly talked.

After years of crying, blaming myself and begging for his attention I finally gave up. We talked very seriously about divorce and child custody schedules. I spent 6 months of accepting the fact that we weren't compatible and it was time to move on. At this time I felt as if I had completely fell out of love with him. I actually started getting excited about the freedom ahead, getting a small crush on a guy I knew and was impatiently waiting to get passed the holidays to start our official separation.

I went over to a friends house one night and ended up getting blackout drunk. I was raped (my friends had gone to bed and I decided to stay up with people I didn't know). I immediately came home and told my husband. He first blamed me and stormed out of the house. He returned several hours later and we set down and had a in detail talk about the incident, what I remembered and what someone else heard. For the first time, this man was there for me. He held me why I cried, was patient with me during foggy memories and done everything I needed him to do.

Flash Forward to now: The past 45 days or so (after the rape) my husband has done a 360. He said that he decided that day that he truly loved me and wanted to be the man that I always begged him to be. He's fighting tooth and nail for our marraige.

Though, he is making me happy at times, I'm not sure if I'm still in love with him. I still have the fantasy of freedom in my mind of being alone with my kids that I had to previously force myself to accept. There are times that I think "I love this man and I'm happy we are getting through this" and there are other times when I wish that he wouldn't had came back the day he stormed out.

I want to do what's right by my kids and give them a family. My husband is my best friend, but I don't know how to get over the past hurt he has caused me...or if I even want to.

I don't want to lead him on and I have been completely honest and upfront with him. He knows that I'm not sure if I am in love with him or not. He knows that I'm not convinced that our marriage is going to last.

I have so many questions running through my head.. Is he just acting so committed to us now because something traumatic happened to me and it will soon fade? Are his feelings pure? Why did it take something horrible to happen for him to notice these feelings? Is this what's best for my kids? Do I continue in my marriage and pray that the love will grow back between us? Do I tell my husband that we need to move on from each other?

My family is very religious and traditional, my "friends" aren't trustworthy with something like this and our insurance is refusing to pay for marraige counseling. I don't have anyone to talk to this situation about and I just really would like to get some outside opinions..so, if you have made it this far, I am asking Reddit for advice!

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Hey doods and doodettes,

So, short backstory, me and this girl I’ve known forever (Like... literally... forever) have had a crush on each other since 2011 and we didn’t know about or said anything to each other, finally got together and started having a thing. I’d say we’re pretty smitten with each other, but I get paranoid easily and there’a one things I’m nervous about.

She’s kind of a regular drinker, but what worries me is she’ll have random days (months apart) where she’ll drink too much and have to call a cab. (We currently live and hour from each other)

I would totally like to address this before going into a formal relationship, and I TOTALLY think she’d understand where I’m coming from, I’m just really nervous about bringing it up and it sounding really judgemental and condicending, because she’s super smart.

I’m not asking her to stop drinking, but I think it’s a tad bit worrisome to hear about her blacking our on her porch 🤦‍♂️

I figure there’s a reason, but I don’t want to be assuming too much.

Thanks guys.

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6

My ex (19F) and i (20M) recently broke up and she was mildly controlling in some ways where i wasnt allowed any female friends or even talk to any other females even if i was friends with them before our relationship. Because of this it turned into me blocking a few friends and kind of just ghosting them. These friends were never too too close but still friends nonetheless. This happened over a year and a half ago and since recently breaking up with her ive unblocked everyone and ive been going through in my head the idea of messaging them and apologizing for ghosting them seemingly out of nowhere and trying to rekindle a friendship because i do wish for those friendships again. The only problem im having now is that i feel after over a year and a half of no contact and the fact i wasnt extremely close to them in the first place might just come off weird or awkward from their point of view if i message them. I dont know maybe im just overthinking this. Thanks in advance m

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Guys. It has finally happened and it's something I wish never happened and wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I am fucking tore in half over this one. 20 yo guy here coming out of a 3 yr relationship. Idk why I'm posting probably because I want some sort of justification and it's not going to happen.

Started 2 nights ago now ex was saying come lay in bed roughly 9pm so I do and she gets up uses the bathroom and then says actually I'm going to stay up and watch Netflix by that point I'm actually pretty tired and comfy so I say I'm gonna stay in bed. Well turns out she left her phone on the bathroom counter all night must've left it on accident mid piss in the middle of the night while half asleep. Bingo daddy's gotta piss first thing in the AM so I see it and say eh fuck it let's go through it. First thing her notifications are off. Red flaggggg pull the top and see a text saying good morning. Go to her snap chat some new guy on snap and had his address saved in the chat. So I know what's up by this point she's freeaking out can't find her phone etc etc. i send myself all the info and say who's so and so and she says "idk??? " so I say well what about snap chat and says ups by his name her new job not even 2-3 weeks old and whys his address saved? I said get your shit you're moving out. Started tossing her clothes out she moves out blah blah. So I kept that address she moves all her shit say fuck it let's drive by ya know? Guess who's car is there. Fucking bitch. That cut me so fucking deep it wasn't even funny. So anyways she ignores me until 9pm then calls me and comes up with shitty justification. Then says going home to her moms. K cool whatever? She works at 1am -630 ish right so she'll be working soon? Text her basically all night cuz I can't sleep worth a fuck I'm so fucked up by this don't go to work this am say stop by on your way home want to talk a little more she comes here just says she's going home super tired blah blah blah same convo over and over. So whatev right so she leaves and 15 min later fuck it I'm gonna go check what she is up to? So I get halfway out of town to her moms on the phone with her she says she's almost home and she passes me heading back to town. Stupid fucking bitch I'm sorry for the expletive 3 yrs is just hard not to have this sort of anger now. I say what are you doing I just passed you? She says uh? Getting something to eat? I said no you're not you're going to see so and so. Phone disconnected don't hear anything else. Drive by and there she is.

I should also add she is always asking who I'm texting and what I'm doing and to Snapchat her all the time and how she is super loyal and so on. Fuck me.

God guys my fucking heart aches and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Going to doc again this afternoon. Went last night because I couldn't calm down gave me a few Valium. Hoping to get a few pills to help me past the first couple days because this is very hard.

Sorry for the long read and formatting.

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My friend [25m] and i [25f] are in the same school program. I think he's cute and would be fun to get to know better. I don't usually interpret hints well (read: very oblivious!) but I think he's also interested. He sends me kissy faces and things on snapchat, notices me when we're at parties.

I know I like him but since we're in the same program and friend group I don't want to make an awkward move that would make things weird for us everytime we see each other, especially since i think one of my other friends and him had something going on this spring.

Im not usually one to shoot my shot...would a casual "do you want to go for a hike or dinner sometime" be ok? Any advice?

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7

My mom and I both have bipolar disorder. For the most part, I’d say things have been pretty under control for both of us, with the help of regular psychiatrist appointments and meds. Until recently...

My mom has been acting incredibly frantic/manic lately. Admittedly a lot has been going on— my sister is getting married and my dad recently had a medical procedure— so initially I chalked it up to that.

But things seemed to get worse as time went on. She started becoming more controlling/guilting my sister and I, a lot like how she did before she was diagnosed. She keeps mixing up plans and forgetting things. My sister, her fiancé and my girlfriend have all noticed. She also cancelled a psychiatrist appointment “because she feels fine”.

So getting to the point; when I was visiting home and looking for an advil, I saw her pill bottles in the cabinet. I noticed there were a lot of them. Because we sometimes take the same meds, I was curious what they were and why there were so many. Turns out, the ones with refill dates from October were the only ones open.

The rest of them were all prescriptions she had picked up, but never actually taken. The timeline matches up perfectly too, since that’s around when we all first noticed her behavior turning odd.

How do my sister and I confront her about this? Somethings really off here...

TL;DR My (24F) bipolar mom (60F) stopped taking her meds two months ago (without consulting a doctor) and is getting out of control, what should I do?

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4

Me m30 and my gf 29 just moved into back into my parents house in order to start saving for one of our own. We have been together 4 years and although the relationship has serious flaws neither of us can follow through with ending it, perhaps out of fear. One thing that scares me is her temper, she can get extremely aggressive wildly screaming and gesticulating. She has gotten physical with me once before. Since then, knowing that any physicality will result in break up, it's like she just uses that rage to intimidate me. She knows I would be mortified to have a shouting dramatic break up in public and even worse, in front of my parents. I feel like a hostage in my own relationship.

We've only been together 4 years with dramatic highs and lows, she has abandonment and anger issues, for which she started attending a counselor about 10 months ago. Lately we have gone to one together to help us. I feel she only uses cousellors as a means to identify me as the issue, things I do that trigger her, rather then her behaviour once triggered.

She got very aggressive towards me twice recently, and I am afraid of her. Totally turned off by the person i saw, but bow we are fighting again because i have not been affectionate. ..how can i?? I know what I need to do, I am sick to my stomach with fear of doing it, fear of her reaction, fear of her threats to me or to harm herself.

I'm lost, exhausted by the constant fighting, This will only end badly, end with fury. I don't want that. But that's all she knows. How do I get out?

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For starters, I think it’s relevant to mention that I haven’t had a ton of experience with relationships. I’m a college student and I know this girl from class. We were on a team last semester and were very friendly, but not in any romantic way. I definitely liked her, but at that point I had no expectation of anything happening.

Fast forward to last week, I saw her at a college bar/club and she came up to me and started dancing. We ended up dancing for the last 20 minutes before the bar closed. After the bar closed, I invited her to come to my place and while she didn’t give an explicit answer, she started walking with me. I live close and when we got there I asked her again if she wanted to come in and she said she was going to go home, but then she moved in and kissed me. After a brief kiss, she turned around and started walking away. Now I didn’t want to her walk across campus alone at 2am, so I went after her and offered to call her an Uber, but she refused. So I ended up walking her home for 20 minutes, on the way we talked and she was flirtatious. When we arrived at her place we ended up kissing again, but longer this time. She then said bye and went into her apartment.

I wasn’t sure what to do the next day, but I decided to text her and ask her when she was leaving for the holiday break. She said she was still around for a few more days so I asked her if she wanted to hang out. She told me she was busy that night and also that she wasn’t sure if she gave me the wrong impression, she just appreciated me walking her home but isn’t really looking for anything right now. I replied “hmm okay, no worries.”

I was pretty surprised by this response, I really thought this could turn into a relationship, but apparently not. I’m pretty deflated thinking about what happened here. Why do you think she acted like this after what happened? Could something still come of this or should I do something to try and make something happen? Thanks.

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I trust my boyfriend, he’s very loving and is extremely sweet to me, however he follows lewd accounts and occasionally likes the pictures. This makes me feel a little uncomfortable, and mostly because i dont look anything like these girls.

I’m not accusing him of cheating or anything but im wondering if this is a normal thing for guys and if i should worry?

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We’ve already been in a very rocky place and have been trying to work on putting our relationship and lives back together. We’ve always had a huge division with his family and friends and I. They’ve hated me and treated myself and my things like crap for 8 years. In the beginning I did inflame this situation as I was very young and immature. The past 4 years I’ve avoided gatherings or hosting them in anyway for these people. They are a source of extreme anxiety for me and I’ve also been diagnosed with ptsd from the combination of how these people treated me in the middle of a huge life crisis I had. He is depressed from both our relationship issues and General life shit. I encouraged him to throw a party and invite them over to our home while I was gone to be with my friends in another area. We laid out some ground rules. No one goes in my bedroom or our kids room, the house wouldn’t be thrashed when I got home 24 hours post party, the house would be cleaned before the party and my computer is left alone.

When I came home yesterday at 6pm he was in bed asleep(uncharacteristic for him even with a hangover), my house was filled with an insane amount of alcohol containers everywhere including easily accessible open beer containers at toddler reach level, piles of joints and cigarettes inside my house also at reachable level, my computer was unlocked and open, my room clearly had people in it as there were more joints there as well.

I tried incredibly hard to get my panic and anxiety under control and to not be mad about this. I have no issues with smoking weed it’s not a big deal to me. Having so many people smoke in my house felt very disrespectful. The booze containers def meant a lot more people were here than I was told about. The house obviously had not been cleaned like we had discussed. Those were all serious annoyances but not enough to go nuclear over.

Then around 9pm he wakes up not knowing what time or day it is while staring at a large digital clock, incredibly pale and sweaty. He makes reference saying he “drank too much whiskey last night” In a strange mumbly voice. Then sits on the couch and spaces out at a table for 15 minutes straight.

I go about my buisness, he eventually tries to lay back down. It was of course somewhat tense and awkward. Then I hear him moaning in pain.

I go to check on him and he’s curled in the fetal position in bed moaning. I ask him if he’s ok. He says his “body is sore all over”. I don’t know what caused me to ask other than a wierd feeling but I ask him if weed and booze were all he did last night. He very quietly mumbles that he “may have done some coke”

I walk out of the room. Drugs are a trigger for me. I understand not everyone feels that cocaine is a hardcore drug but I do. He also once cheated on me about four years ago while doing coke with a friend in another state. This led to many discussions at the time one of which included that I’m not ok with its usage.

I start to lose it over the fact that these people came and did coke in my house where my daughter lives.

I go back to the room and ask him about who brought the coke and where it was done. He says it was one friend and they did it in his car. He starts acting very angry and tries to argue with me that I’m trying to find any excuse to be mad about his party. That I just don’t want him to have fun. That it didn’t matter what he did this would have had the same outcome.

I leave the room again because he was not able to remain calm or quiet and our daughter was asleep.

From that time until 3am he periodically walked out into the area I was in muttering and mumbling angry and hurt things and then stomping away. I mentioned many times I couldn’t understand him and needed him to sit down if he wanted to talk to me about this which he did not do. I elected to sleep on the couch last night. I sleep very very hard but recall being woken up at least four or five times with him stomping in and muttering or directly yelling about the fact that I was sleeping in the living room which was extreme and unfair. That I just didn’t want him to have fun. Etc. I stated repeatedly that I would talk about it in the morning.

It’s morning. I have no idea what to do.

I never really did coke tho I’ve had friend who have and they describe it regularly as like a very short and fast high. He had at least 12 if not 16-18 hours between the time of doing whatever drug and me coming home. Which makes me believe this was not coke.

I’m not really sure if he’s going to wake up my boyfriend who know this was a disrespectful and weird situation or if he’s going to be the guy from last night.

I probably was looking for reasons to be mad about this party. It’s a rough situation with his family/friends and it’s been so many years that at this point I’m just fucking tired of it.

Now what.

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I wish I could just take a long trip without the wife. When she asks where I am going I would say I don't know... When she asks why, I would say to think things out.... But really, just to make her wonder... wonder where I am going... But deep down inside I am mad at myself... mad that I allowed her to treat me with such disrespect over the years... She's mad a fool out of me to a certain extent and I'm getting angrier and angrier at myself over it.

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Usually my girlfriend and I take turns going to visit. We live an hour and a half away from each other. Tomorrow she has work at 7AM and I'm off. She has no change of clothes, makeup, food or anything for work tomorrow but will not let me just go down to her to make it easier.

I'm feeling sketched out. She says it's because she doesn't like her place but that doesn't explain her literally freaking over (an actual panic freak out on the phone) over it. She was yelling on the phone on how she will not let me come down because she'd rather drive up to me and fuck herself for work tmrw.

She told me I can't understand why she doesn't like her place and refuses to have me down there because our BRAINS work differently? What the fuck does that mean lol

It's just illogical? My gut feeling says she cheated on me and her roommates (who I've talked and hung out with for 6 mo) would spill the beans to me that some other dude was over.

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Husband and I married May this year. In the past we have had one pregnancy resulting in a miscarriage and me getting very sick and removal surgary all while on holiday.

Truthfully, I am a tad scared to try again. Not because of the loss of the baby but my husbands reaction. At that stage I had never seen him cry. It ripped my heart out. Being on holiday he was alone other than me. I had my mum and sister there to comfort. I tried to be there but he really just needed his mum. I felt aweful.

Lately kids have been in our thoughts. But I don't know if I am ready. 2 weeks after our wedding he got a job as an interstate truck driver. He isn't home for a few weeks in a row. I would have to do a lot without him. I don't know if I can do it without him.

So how did you know it was the right time to have kids? Was it planned or unexpected? If planned, how did you plan.

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11 comments
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