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91
Stickied postModerator of r/tifu

Hey! Did you know we have rules? Me either!

Anywhom'st, we updated our rules to, hopefully, make them easier on you and us.

We trimmed our rules down from 11 to only 5.

The rules are also got rid of a few things. Most noticeably the nsfw weekend rule, you can post those any time now. Also the common fuck-ups list isn't there.

NSFW posts still have to follow the rules, if they are too common or mundane (rule 2) they will be removed. Just because it involves your sexy sex with sex doesn't mean it's any more unique than the rest of our sex lives (or lack thereof). If this happened to you, but like something fucked up during, please don't post.

To reiterate what TIFU stands for: TIFU stands for today I fucked up, which means something you did that is your fault. Just because something bad happened to you doesn't mean it's a fuck up.

Rule 2 is still there for threads that you can't post here so don't post those kind of threads here. Make sure your read rule 2.

Without further ado... here are the new rules... . . .


1. All titles must start with TIFU

  • TIFU stands for today I fucked up, which means something you did that is your fault. Just because something bad happened to you doesn't mean it's a fuck up.
  • TIFU must be at the beginning of the post title or it will automatically be removed.
  • TIFUpdate if you are posting a follow-up post to update us on your story.

2. Uninspired, lacking in context, literal shitpost, overly vulgar and glorifying illegal activities posts may be removed at mods discretion

  • Uninspired as in something that is super common, lacking in imagination or originality.
  • Context as in the story doesn't have any more info beyond the title. note: All posts must contain at least 750 characters of meaningful content.
  • Shitpost as in literally involving defecation or other bodily fluids.
  • Overly vulgar includes obscene situations, such as, but not limited to, incest, minors, death and assault to humans and animals. Consensual situations between two, unrelated adults should be fine. Vulgar does not mean using bad words.
  • Illegal activities that you glorify or giving advice on how to do something illegal.

3. All posts must end with a TL;DR and tag NSFW when necessary

  • TL;DR or too long didn't read which is a summarization of your post in a few bitesize sentence. At minimum, your TL;DR summary must contain your fuckup and its consequences. You may include additional information if you'd like. The TL;DR must be at the very end of your post.
  • NSFW or not safe for work. If you're not sure if it's NSFW or not, better to be safe than sorry.

4. Be civil and don't be disruptive

  • Be civil means don't do these things; personal attacks, harassment, trolling, and bigotry. Use your better judgement.
  • Disruptive such as posting, or seeking, any identifying personal information (real/fake). This includes yourself or others, and refers, but is not limited to, names, phone numbers, email addresses, or any social media accounts. As well as brigading with either votes or comments.

5. No spam, bots or advertising

  • Spam, don't link to things that you may or may not be rewarded for. Posting links of you narrating a story is considered spam.
  • Bots are annoying and will be banned.
  • Advertising, we are not a platform for you (patreon or charities) or your products, seek https://www.redditinc.com/advertising instead.

Did you read rule 2 yet? You should read it again.

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This happened less than 12 hours ago. I've managed to sleep on it but don't feel much better about the situation.

I'm an university student currently on my 3rd year and I was planning to graduate in five. This fall I've been part of a course which has prepared me for writing my Bachelor's Thesis next spring. The course has to be completed in order to write the thesis.

As part of the course I had my final essay due by 11:59 pm last night. I had already written a version of it before, with much difficulty. Nevertheless, I had gathered some new sources and formulated a plan for rewriting it by Thursday. Plan was I'd have Friday evening to write, be busy on Saturday and spend Sunday on the finishing touches.

Problem was, I was busy the entire Friday evening as well. But at least I had Sunday. I started a bit late to be fair, but had approximately 8 hours to get the job done.

Unfortunately, as usual, I misjudged the time I had completely. The clock kept creeping towards midnight and by the end I was frantically reading over the text for the first time with less than 10 minutes left. I saved it, opened the university website and... the window had already closed, 5 minutes before we were told. In a snap judgement I opened my email, threw the file there, sent it to my teacher and... the clock was 12:00. I was late.

It had been told time and time again that late assignments would not be evaluated. I knew this, I had told this to myself again and again. I had thought that I should rather send an unfinished essay than a late one. I kept going over the day in my head; how I started too late, how I shouldn't have taken a shower or eaten dinner. But this was not the first time this had happened, so the blame was undeniably all mine.

I sent a new email to my teacher, acknowledging that I recognized being late and thanking them for the course despite that. By my knowledge, these few minutes mean that I can only start writing my Bachelor's Thesis more than a year from now instead of next spring. I am not quite sure yet how this affects me, if I can fit any meaningful studies into that gap or how I can afford stretching out my studies for a year longer than I had originally planned.

TLDR; OP returned his essay late, which means he can't start his Bachelor's Thesis next spring as planned, which then stretches out his studies by at least a year.

EDIT: I just got the info that my essay will be accepted after all, and my idiotic self will hopefully learn from this. As such I might remove this post in a few hours.

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This didn't happen today, but rather a month ago. However, the consequences finally reached me days ago.

It started in my 1st period computer science when I was browsing r/copypasta for my wonderful dose of Reddit. After some time, I come across a copy pasta titled "You're 22" and it continued on as a Shrek fanfiction for a good few pages in docs. I made matters worse by making it my goal to find some of the most horrible, and grueling fan fiction there were and collided them together. Ultimately, this formed a 16 page long masterpieces I ended up sharing with a few lads over Google docs.

A month passes by, and just last Friday I'm called down to office, completely clueless. The Assistant principal sits me down and says "So, we have an issue here." Entirely clueless i let her continue. "We found a 16 page long paper on Shrek in your drive. As you should know this is entirely inappropriate." She made it very clear she had read it, and as I'm waiting outside the office I get to see into the ISS room, my steaming angry friends looking at me with dead eyes. All I could do was laugh. I laughed so hard, even going back into her office I kept laughing my ass off.

I know have a week of detention.

TLDR; Made a 16 page long erotic Shrek fanfiction on school Google drive and got caught.

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Just a little backstory; I use etizolam for my panic attacks. I volumetrically dose it and store my main supply in a water bottle next to my prescriptions. Now for the story. Okay, this happened Saturday night. My girlfriend is at her uncle’s house drinking, and I come pick her up, bring her home, and we start having some fun etc etc. She reaches in her purse and chugs a water bottle because physical exertion makes you thirsty. She finished that, and then when I wasn’t looking, grabbed my etizolam bottle (dosed at 5mg/mL) and drank about 10 mL of it before she realized it wasn’t water. She spit most of it back out but swallowed some and absorbed some through her mouth. As soon as I notice, because I’m mostly sober at the time (just a few shots) I immediately tell her to go to the bathroom and try to throw up as much of it as she could and that we needed to be in the car within 2 minutes. That’s where I fucked up again. Drunk GF locks the bathroom door, and I’m knocking and she isn’t answering. I hear a thud as she fell and instantly broke the door open. Now mind you, I like my girls thicc. That being said, I’m a power lifter and can carry around my girl pretty easily normally. However, when someone is ragdolled, totally limp, it’s not easy at ALL. Ended up having to call an ambulance because her breathing was getting shallow and I’m not losing the love of my life over a Benzo analogue and some fireball. Here I am, 2 days later, in a recliner by her hospital bed at 4:32AM on a Monday just waiting for her to get back to normal. I don’t know how much she was drinking, but it was a lot. She was the type of drunk that doesn’t give a shit. 8/10 hammered. I did the math when I got back home, because it was a fresh solution of 200mL and found that the 10mL was what she had taken. So, she took 50mg of etizolam while drunk. She’s lucky to be alive, I’m lucky that she’s still alive, and I need to keep my meds in my closet now because I’ll never risk this scenario again. I’ve been essentially taking the role of her nurse in regards to bathroom stuff and nudity because I’m the only one she trusts. I’ve been peed on, punched in the face, and awake since 8am Saturday morning. All because my bottle of etizolam was 5 inches too close to my bed.

FOR THOSE THAT DON’T KNOW; etizolam is about half as strong as Xanax with a slightly longer active life. Legal to buy, but no less dangerous. Carelessness almost cost me the love of my life, and the future mother to my children. Keep your substances secure and out of plain sight.

TL;DR My very drunk GF drank some benzodiazepine solution I had in a water bottle by my bed thinking that it was water and she’s had to spend 2 days in the hospital since. Please keep anything potentially dangerous out of reach of anyone but yourself.

EDIT: I forgot to mention this, and it led to some misconceptions in the comments. I do NOT put my etizolam in water. I volumetrically dose it using a milligram scale and propylene glycol. I understand that it should not have been put into a bottle designed or drinking. This is an error in judgement based on an ill placed assumption. I have a pharmaceutical grade glass 500mL bottle on the way for future storage, and that will be placed with my other medications (prescription or not) into a lockbox in my closet. Thank you all for calling out my errors in judgement. This is why I love this place.

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Happened to an ex-employee of mine who came to ask for his old job back.

I have a shuttle driver at my dealer, young brilliant kid saving money for a trip to Japan where he plans to start a career in illustration. during one of his shuttle trips ( we're a GM dealership) he gets offered a job at a funeral home a few minutes from his house for more money by our customer who owns it. He takes the job and on the first day is given a ride by another driver to the cemetery which is about 10 minutes away. All seems clear except massive roadwork starts the next day, his first funeral he is redirected to an alternative route, alone in the car (regulations say staff is not allowed to have cell phones on them during funerals)

He gets lost and can't find his way around to the cemetary's entrance, this lasts for an hour and a half until a Police car pulls him over saying funeral home called 911 thinking he made off with casket and body. Police guides him to cemetary to dirty looks of everyone, family asks for body to be returned to funeral home to make sure it wasn't 'violated' or any jewelry stolen ...

On a positive note I got my shuttle driver back !

TL;DR : Started working at a funeral home, got lost in traffic with the casket, police found me and I lost my job

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I just found this sub a little while ago and figured people also can post older fuck-ups. So the game is on since I have plenty of those.

I'm from Germany and until a few years ago we still had the military draft. After trying my best to avoid it (the examination was also pretty funny, but not exactly a fuck up) I eventually applied for community services instead. Unfortunately agencies are slow as always and I got the denial for that about a week before my actual draft appointment. I didn't open my letter box for that week, though. At the same time I forgot about my drafts appointment and instead got two days in a row completely shitfaced drunk for a friends birthday from saturday to sunday.

Eventually I still woke up spinning on a monday morning to a phone call of the barracks I was meant to be threatening me to bring the military police to my place, because I should've been there on thursday already. My still lowkey drunk self was considering to say that they will not get me alive. Fortunately I could prevent myself from that.

Instead I eventually got there the next day and getting that really sweet treatment. I also was ordered to the barracks captain to justify myself with the potential to stay in military prison for a few weeks or get free of charges. You could assume I will try my best to not fuck up even more. Hell no. I just went even deeper down the rabbit hole. After some questioning and such the captain starts talking some really nationalistic yada-yada. Not that I have a problem with a moderate level of patriotism, but this was way beyond it - reaching the point of hilarious ridiculousness.

As he is in the midst of his monologue I just have to try really hard to not laugh. Instead I'm smirking like a moron. He eventually recognises and starts becoming boiling red in his face - asking me what's so funny. The best reply I could muster was "the sun is blinding me" while being inside a room with a single window directed opposite to the suns direction. Needless to say that this didn't exactly help his mood, either.

He was already threatening me, if I don't behave I will spend time to think about this in prison. Eventually I sweettalked myself out of this and got him to calm down some. It was a close call. A friend of mine did manage to end up in military prison, though. It wasn't nice. So I am glad I dodged that bullet.

tl;dr - I forgot going to the barracks for my draft and then accidentally mocked the captain whom I had to justify myself to.

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Okay so this is my very very first reddit post! I’m a big girl now!! I just wanted to make sure I mentioned that in case I fuck anything up! I always wanted to tell my interesting life stories somewhere like my twitch or if I ever posted my backlog of YouTube bs but I figure here would be better for now..

So let start I’m young at this time and it’s not 100% my fuck up but it was me that fucked up, I’m like maybe 8-10 I can’t quite remember but I know it was after my first house burned down when I was in elementary.

Anyway my parents are into drugs. Like hardcore meth and shit don’t worry this comes into play later. So they always have me and my lil brother do obnoxious shit for them because they crash and are lazy af.

I would literally be called out of my room to make them a glass of soda or food when they dozed off in their bedroom or on the sofa. It never really got under my skin until we had to go outside and find cans out in the desert so they could turn them in to get money for probably more drugs. (It’s good to note I lived in the middle of nowhere like desert Nowhere like courage the cowardly dog shit but with some neighbors and eventually a gas station cuz we were by a highway))

So we would go out into the fucking desert and pick through the shit loads of cans to bag em up and bring back. So when I was tasked with something better than cans it kinda got me excited. Me and my grandma loaded up in the truck and went into town (15miles and our grandma lived in another house out in the middle of nowhere too she was basically our neighbor). We were delivering a movie to one of my dads friends.

Basically those old as movies vhs type shit and it was packed in a black case. For those who don’t know it was basically a black little box. I asked my gran what was in it and I tried to open it but she told me to leave it alone. I asked if it was porn (because I was really fucked up as a kid but more on that maybe another time) and she said “Yea probably”. So I didn’t mess with it anymore and just figured I was doing an adult thing and they would be proud of me.

So we get to the mail place (not the post office but like this building that was similar). I take the tape and some money and go in. Now I’m fucking scared because I don’t wanna fuck this up and all I remember is sending the tape and getting change while the ladies at the counter kept asking why I was in here alone. I don’t remember if I said anything but I remember being afraid and part of me thinks I may have mentioned it being porn because I was a fucking kid and didn’t lie well but I can’t really recall. I was just scared and really wanted to just ducking leave!

Anyway, they gave me the change and I head out. Whew finally did the thing and I’m good! Gran is proud and we go home. I was happy that I did something good and didn’t think about it again. Now here’s where shit hits the fan.

A few weeks later I was sleeping in my room when I heard heavy knocking at the door. I wake up and hear “Police open up” like 3 times and in my fucking child brain I’m like “oh shits just a prank or something” and I try to go back to sleep. The next thing I hear is a fucking loud bang and they kick in the door. I’m awake at this point when my door gets kicked in and I’m sitting up looking at this man with a fucking gun pointed at me. ( I remember it being a large ass gun not a pistol maybe an assault) I’m just looking dumbfounded and this man almost throws his gun putting it out of my view cuz he realized I’m just a kid. He’s like “can you come out to the livingroom please” and then pulls my door shut lookin just as scared as I was and leaving me to myself for a moment. It was fucking wild.

I’m fucking scared at this point and I get up and go out to the living room where my mom is holding my brother on the couch and there are a fucking shit ton of people like 30 in our house all packed up with vests and guns. My dad is in his room being ordered to the floor where they put handcuffs on him. I legit think we are all gonna die at this point.

I sit on the couch with my mom and brother where this lady was taking a photo of us (I believe that’s what was going on) and she was trying to keep us calm because my mom was pissed off and my brother was upset and scared. She took some notes and I was able to see out our window a shit ton of black vehicles. Like 10 cars outside it was crazy. This lady just kept saying everything is okay and shit too over and over. I just kept looking out the window thinks what the fuck is happening.

As I’m looking out I was also able to see out to my grandmas house where there was also many black vehicles outside. It was wild these people where over there too! After about what feels like an hour everyone packs up and leaves and they take my dad away and my mom is freaking out and everything is a shit show for the rest of the day.....

So what happened?

Turns out that mail I sent out a week or so prior... well according to my uncle they had assumed child porn when I dropped it off (maybe it’s because I had said something but I don’t remember if I did) so they opened the tape up and turns out there was drugs in it. Yea my dad and gran had knowingly made me send out mail with drugs in it and they thought we were out there manufacturing drugs (like the cartel) and shipping it out. So they raided us and found out that no we were not manufacturing drugs, my family just wanted to ship drugs out to one of their friends and got me caught in the crossfire. My dad went to jail for a weed pipe and they took my uncle too (who was at grans) and then they left. It was quite the experience and I don’t think I’ll really ever forget it.

So that’s how I fucked up. I know this was years ago but I wanted to share it. Sorry if I fucked anything up and I hope y’all enjoy.

TLDR: I fucked up by accidentally trying to mail out drugs as a kid and our houses got swatted thinking we manufactured drugs like the cartel.

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I actually got the tattoo 3 days ago but today was when I realized I may have a problem. I got a tattoo I've been wanting for nearly a year now on my wrist... Not a problem, there's nothing against tattoos where I work so I thought everything would be okay... Until I started working. Tonight alone it's been grabbed at full strength by a blind person as they tried to drag me to their room, Shoved by the same person, slapped with a fork, Kicked and elbowed by someone who requires full assistance with basic tasks and the one I thought it would be safe around tried to bite it (it's a strawberry). Slapped by about 8 gloves and sneezed on 4 times.... I still love my tattoo but I've been in much more pain than anticipated with about 2 more weeks of Hell to go and I still love my job, it's not their fault and I'm not trying to blame them... I knew wrists, ribs, and sides are always in danger here but I didn't think about that when it was placed. Every single minor injury I've had has been on this wrist and no level of caution can help me protect my strawberry. My whole arm is bruised where it's become a target and I'm already out of ointment from the amount of times I've had to reapply it. I'm miserable, in pain and just want to curl up and go to bed... Also we had someone quit 2 days before I got this so I only have one off day in the next 2 weeks (I knew the schedule pre strawberry) and 2 16 hour shifts...

TL:DR I made myself a walking target by getting a bright red strawberry on my wrist while I work with disabled people who like to beat me up.

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My poor mother left her son [Me] home alone tonight. A bird had flown into the house, and as a joke, my eight-year-old brother told me to get my pellet gun and shoot it out of the air. Well, they left, and I caught the bird without help from the gun and released the little guy back into the wild. As I strolled back to my room, I noticed my pellet gun in my closet. Then it struck me. The most moronic, idiotic, stupid, blockheaded, half-witted, foolish, birdbrained, knuckle-headed idea ever to have crossed my mind. "Let's shoot something!" said my brain. So, I set up an old day planner from a couple of years ago on my bed in front of my pillow thinking the worst that could happen is the pellet dents my already very old and dented bed frame. THWAK! ...is what I expected to hear. What I heard instead was THWAK-DING!! I sat there staring down the barrel of my air rifle, only now realizing the magnitude of dumb-f*ckery of my actions. The sound of the ding came from the hall. I got up slowly and walked over to the book — a hole in one end...and out the other. Next, I checked the pillow. In one end out the other. There was a small clean hole in the bed frame that was flush with the wall I looked through and saw what I dreaded more than anything...light from the hallway. As I walked into the hall the first thing I noticed was bits of drywall surrounding a small lead pellet on the ground and a hole the size of a quarter in the wall. I soon discovered the source of the dinging sound, a pretty hefty dent in the dryer door.

I immediately ran to the garage to fetch the spackling and leftover paint from when I painted the hallway a few years back. To my dismay, the spackling was empty. My mother will be returning in a couple of hours, so if anyone has any suggestions on how to spend my last hours of freedom, please feel free to leave a comment.

TL;DR I disregarded pretty much every rule of firearms safety and shot a hole through my wall. Probably going to be disowned in a few hours

Edit: spelling and grammar

Update: I think I found a solution

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So, I flooded the kitchen.

'It's alright, just mop it up!'

No, I don't mean a puddle of water on the floor. I mean I flooded the fucking kitchen.

This was a year or two ago. I'd started filling the sink up to do the dishes, also having put a load of washing on. I smoked a shit tonne of weed at the time, so I'm gonna blame the devil's lettuce for why I left the sink unattended in the first place, but I genuinely didn't realise. I thought the sound of rushing water was just the washing machine going. Then I said to myself "That washing should have been finished by now..."

It had. Oh neptune.

I saw it in the loungeroom first. The cat was sitting on the coffee table like a little island as the water was flooding in, just looking at me like BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK. The water had spread across half the carpet.

The kitchen itself was full with water at least 3 inches high, corner to corner. The water was cascading over the side of the sink like a terrifying waterfall. A representation of the true panic I felt in the moment. Didn't even have a proper mop, it was just a sad, shitty old sponge on a stick.

I took towels and tried to soak the water up, but it was like the fucking sorcerer's apprentice. There was just so. Much. WATER. It took forever to clean up. The cupboard doors are still water damaged and one has fallen off completely, but I'm too ashamed to get them fixed. I'm lucky the linoleum is still good and the floor under the carpet didn't rot.

TLDR: I'm a dumbass.

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I first woke up late, about a half hour later then when I normally wake up, because I forgot to set my alarm, since I disabled it over the weekend, and realized I was late to school, it takes me about a half hour to drive to school, and it was the first day of finals. I brushed my teeth and got dressed and ran straight to my car. I was driving normally till I was about to get to an intersection, when i tried turning into the proper lane I realized I didn't have enough time nor space to properly break in time and I ended up crashing my Honda into an Audi completely wrecking my right head light and doing some bad damage to the Audi's left side back bumper. Me and the lady who was driving the Audi immediately parked and we got out of our cars to assess the damages, apparently her Audi was brand new, a car from her veteran fiancé. We call the cops, who came around an hour later, and filed the incident report. During that time I had to call my school in order to let them know I couldn't make it to take my tests and I had to reschedule and double up on another. My dad is going to grill me both for missing my exams and for crashing the car.

Tldr: I crashed my car because I was late for my finals.

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For very obvious reasons using a throwaway account. This happened a week ago.

I'm a data analyst and consultant working for a pretty big marketing company. Recently, I was invited to a meeting with some Snapchat executives including the CEO, mister Spiegel, to represent the company I work for. They were interested in hiring us for a specific task, which I obviously cannot disclose, and I was the guy who had to explain how we operate, what we can mean for them, etc. There was a sales person of our company with me to do the pitching.

So basically to keep it short: I took my phone out and connected it to a big tv to demonstrate some things. At a certain point, I opened Snapchat and clicked on a chat, so I could show them a couple of things (seems vague, but it's UI related). The app however was a bit glitchy, and as I clicked on the chat it took me back to the home screen and the chat disappeared (in Snapchat, you can only see chats once after clicking on it).

Here's comes the fuck up, I wasn't really thinking or in the present, so I blurted something stupid out. I said: "Yeah no wonder Snapchat lost so much of it's stock value."

It got awkward fast. The sales person who was with me seemed to die inside, she didn't blink for a good ten seconds. All the executives were looking dazzled. Eventually, after thirty seconds of silence some random guy in the room said: "thanks guys for your time, we'll consider working with you guys". And we left.

My boss is so fucking mad at me.... This was supposed to be a pretty big deal. God damn.

TL;DR made an insulting joke about the company's stock in front of it's CEO and executives

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Like everyone else’s story, this occurred years ago when I was a teenager. I had recently turned 15 and I was living with my grandparents.

My grandfather had this strange obsession with eBay, and as I saw that he was making small profits, I quickly got hooked on the idea and wanted to begin selling on eBay. I was addicted to the idea of making money and essentially thought I could get rich.

For some odd reason, I figured it would help out to order boxes for my grandfather and I to ship our items in. USPS (United States Postal Service) gives away free boxes for shipping and handling purposes. I guess I was expecting my grandfather and I to be eBay Gods, and us selling on eBay would last an eternity.

USPS offered several different sized boxes with different dimensions. I was unsure of what size to get, but hey, they’re free. I order about 30 of each type I could find.

Fast forward about 6 days. My grandfather wakes me up around 11:00 AM and asks ,” what the HELL did you order?” Totally unaware of what was going on, I tilted my head in s confused manner. I go outside and see this tiny mail lady unloading these GIANT refrigerator sized boxes, full of thousands of other flattened boxes. This lady is struggling to get them out of her mail vehicle.

This goes on for about 35 minutes, and my grandfather wasn’t allowed to help her (he offered). I go back outside and there are give-or-take 45 refrigerator sized boxes in my driveway, each weighing at an estimate of 150-200 pounds.

I explain to my grandfather that I totally forgot I even ordered them. He was really panicking about how much they must’ve costed, even after I explained that they were free.

My grandfather grabs his hand trucks and relocated the boxes into our garage. Our ENTIRE garage walls are now humongous boxes. We couldn’t even see the walls of our garage anymore.

For the next few months, I was making forts out of boxes. I made a throne to sit in, I used lots of them to make homemade roleplaying weapons, such as giant hammers. I tossed a fuck-ton of the boxes on my trampoline and would jump into them (kind of hurt), I had SO many boxes I didn’t even know what to do with them.

Only about five boxes were used for eBay.

After school, he told me the bill came in for the boxes that I had ordered.. However it was just a prank, all in good fun. The feeling of an ass-whooping had never felt so strong.

TL;DR I ordered like 10,000 cardboard boxes.

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So this happened about like.. 30 minutes ago from the time I post this?

So my dad is a retired Coast Guardsman who got rehired back to work with Liquid Oxygen and the aircraft that all use Liquid Oxygen for breathing purposes in high altitudes or something among those lines. He basically is in charge of all the LO the base has and the processes n such involved with LO. Well we’re driving on base and are talking about his job and he’s like well lemme just show you what LO is while we’re here

Important note: at this point all I know is that LO is kept at like -300°+ degrees, boils, and is pretty dangerous if it touches you. Sounds pretty sick to me so I’m like sweet let’s check this shit out

While he’s getting the machines/containers ready and building up pressure I set up 2 pans on the ground to catch the LO as it’s released from the container, one on the ground to actually hold the LO and the other to stop LO from shooting all over the runway/concrete.

First try we get some out and we’re looking at it boiling and what not so my dad pours it out in the concrete so we can watch it move in this cool way across the icy concrete. Imagine looking at boiling water that’s light blue and appears to be water bending across the floor, it doesn’t spread out or anything it just slides across in one form. Pretty rad

Now here’s where the fuckup on my end happens

As he’s letting out more LO I accidentally bump the pan standing up and it falls down HARD on the the concrete soaked LO. Just as it collided, my dad dives to the side behind the container covering his ears as I’m standing still with my hands in my pockets thinking what the fuck is this moron doing?

Turns out, any small amount of fuel, sparks, flame, of impacts of any kind can cause LO to randomly explode. I just stood there extremely confused as I apparently am alive by sheer luck. Not really sure if I should feel lucky or just more confused by everything that happened, nonetheless my dads a snake for diving for his own safety :(

For anybody who’s curious about more Liquid Oxygen related knowledge, here’s a Wikipedia page that explains everything.

TL;DR - TIFU by nearly killing my dad and I when I accidentally caused an impact that should have ignited a Liquid Oxygen explosion.

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To preface this story, my family gets our Christmas tree early, as in the weekend after Thanksgiving. So out of necessity it's in our house for usually ~1 month. We diligently water and tend to it so it doesn't dry out, since no one wants a brown pile of sticks with lights and ornaments come Christmas morning.

We have some very nice Christmas trappings, including a tree skirt that my wife and I have had since we got married. It's a nice thing to have since it covers the tree stand and makes the whole scene look more complete. It's very "old-world" style and it has fancy cloth ribbons on it to tie it together in the back, which will become important in a few moments.

So I do my yearly duty and set up the tree, get it watered, put the tree skirt on, and make sure as the weeks go by that it stays hydrated. Every morning I've been putting 20-25 ounces of water in the tree stand, which both my wife and I thought was more than usual, but hey, maybe we got a thirsty tree this year. It did come from Canada, after all. We also notice that our tree is looking scraggly, much more so than usual, which is weird because it's been taking more water. I had made sure to check the stand itself for leaks before I put the tree up, and since this was only our second season with this stand, I ruled out any leaking coming from the stand.

Flash forward to today, when I grab a pair of clippers to trim off some of the bottom branches of this increasingly Iggy Pop-looking tree, and as soon as I nudge my elbow on the tree skirt, my arm is soaked. I lift up the tree stand and there is water literally dripping out of it. I inspect a little farther, and make my discovery. The loops that I use to tie the tree skirt so fancily onto the stand are dipped inside the reservoir itself, soaking up and distributing the water I've been giving the tree to the rest of the skirt. I assume some sort of capillary action or something, but in any case the water has been leaving the stand so fast because probably half of it has ended up on the hardwood floor, which is now swelled and darkened as a consequence.

The tree skirt is drying out in the garage, the floor has been cleaned and mopped, and I have been spending the last hour researching how to safely dry out hardwood floors. The kicker to all of this is that this is the third separate water related FU in the 6 months since my family has moved into this house, and I'm starting to become concerned that:

A: the house is haunted, or

B: more worryingly, I might secretly be an idiot.

TL;DR: Set up Christmas tree, dressed tree in skirt, added liquid, skirt got wet, now I'm stuck with wet wood.

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372 comments
82

Happened last night during dinner with my brother, sister, and their kids (6 in total).

Little background, I work as a wound care nurse in a hospital and deal with some rather extensive injuries (gun shots, amputations, pressure injuries that expose muscle, tissue, and bone, etc). I take pics and video with my phone to send to doctors and review while writing progress notes and entering data for research I’m working on.

I have google chrome cast connected to the living room tv and set the screen to show all my photos. Only in the past few months have I started taking pics on my phone. So while the adults are getting dinner ready and having a drink the kids are playing and I put on a YouTube video the oldest one wants to watch from my phone onto the tv.

Dinner is ready, we all sit down to eat and my sister in law tells me no more videos until dinner is done. The video ends and a few minutes later the slideshow starts on the tv,

I’m talking to my brother when he suddenly goes quiet and all the color drains from his face. I’m about to ask him what’s wrong when my niece points to the tv and let’s out a very loud “eww what’s that uncle grizzly_treats?”, I turn around and see a pic from work. I jump out of my chair, grab the phone from my desk and disconnect google.

I spend the next ten minutes trying to explain to my niece what I do (up until this point she knew I’m a nurse and I take care of boo boos). Needles to say, it doesn’t go well. My brother is having surgery in two weeks and his daughter now thinks something is going to go wrong and she started crying.

I’m now on everyone’s shit list, my mother called this morning asking me what the hell did I do.

TL/DR: had family over for dinner, accidentally saw pic of surgical wound, niece now thinks daddy is going to die in surgery

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I get bad migraines once every couple weeks and they're punishing as fuck. intense pain, nausea, confusion, the works. usually nothing helps but I always try to take something and get some caffeine in my system on the off chance that the headache will respond. in these migraine states, I'm fully responsive in the sense that I know things like where I'm going and what I'm doing, but not quite all there when it comes to social interaction. I have said some mind-numbingly stupid and awkward things when dealing with migraines but today was by far the worst. I mean, I talk without thinking a lot anyway, and it's basically just irl shitposting, so it's kind of that but worse when you add in migraine confusion.

so, the best place to start is, the headache was fully in gear and I decided to go down to the walgreens to get some tylenol and ibuprofen to make a sweet cocktail of potential relief (spoiler alert: still have the headache lol oop)

when I got to the counter and paid I could tell the guy was thinking about some deep shit and, it being not particularly busy, I decided to chat him up. this next set of words is all paraphrasing but this is the gist of what happened.

me: what's on your mind, man?

him: ah, dream I had.

me: what kind of dream?

him: a nightmare. powerful stuff. don't have them a lot.

me: what about?

him: I was taking sniper fire and I was scared for my life.

me: sounds intense, how you feelin?

him: I'm kinda sad they don't happen more often, vivid dreams.

this is where things decided to fly off the rails as my internal censor shut fully off

me: I'll give you the dreams where I'm chased by dinosaurs, sniper fire ain't SHIT.

he pauses for a second

him: I was in Iraq, 2003.

me: yeah, well, I can't talk a lot about dinosaurs because of all the non-disclosure agreements but let me tell you my experiences haven't been great either

he just stared at me

I decided it was time to leave

tl;dr irl shitposted at a veteran about dinosaurs

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0

Have you ever done something so irrational and embarrassing, that you see your hopes and dreams immediately crumble in front of you?

Backstory:

I met a girl travelling about 1.5 years ago. We spent days together in Budapest, half naked, half exploring the beautiful city together. I sat on the 7 hour plane ride home with butterflies.

Fast forward 1.5 years, we've seen each other a few times (sometimes randomly in passing, only once intentionally, as we live in different cities), each time being a toss-up about what each others feelings would be towards each other. I've always had this idea in my mind that we were great for each other, and that with time, we would reconnect. This weekend was supposed to be one of my chances to test out if now was the time.

The Party:

She was coming in for the weekend to visit her good friend, and maybe a little bit me. She was attending my company party Friday, at my bosses bosses bosses house. We had a wonderful evening drinking nice liquor, having great conversations with my coworkers, and at one point, her and I had a 30+ minute conversation with the homeowner (boss x3). It was just a wonderful evening and I was proud for her to be with me.

The Pregame:

After the event, we go back to my coworkers apartment (three guys, including me, and my date) to have a few drinks before going out. At this point, everyone is pretty drunk. Drunk to the point of not considering how drunk we are. So we are shooting the shit for maybe an hour. I notice my coworker and her talking a lot 1 on 1, about interesting things. After 5 or 10 minutes of this, I definitely note that they are speaking a lot. Whatever, I'm glad to see my friends connecting!

We call the Uber to go to the bar, and during some drunken goofy conversation, the same coworker and her put their hands on each others chest (I have no clue the context). I didn't say anything, but I was a little uncomfortable.

The Bar:

After hitting one bar which didn't work out, we jumped to a second bar. The music was bumping a little bit, and immediately, my coworker and friend start talking 1 on 1 again. Just note, I am 1 drink away from blackout at this point. Where you really have no control of your actions, but you remember everything. The horror.

After them talking for anywhere from 5 - 15 minutes, I just impulsively go up to them and said I was going to head home, as I wasn't feeling well. They look at me confused, asking if everything was okay. I said yeah, just wasn't feeling well. My friend immediately goes "ok...well I'm going to call *other friend* to make sure I can get in his house". I tried to tell her just to come home with me (I hate myself). She said no (of course), and I said bye and immediately walked out of the bar.

I walked out of the bar, standing on the sidewalk. Even in my absolutely hammered state, I just realized what a fucking idiot I was being. I have two of my favorite coworkers, who are becoming some of my good friends, and a girl I really appreciate, standing inside this bar. And I was leaving because two of my friends were enjoying talking to one another.

Literally, I was thinking that I had just ruined three relationships for good. And I thought: how can I salvage this?

The only thing I could think to do: go back in. I fucking went back into the bar.

I think I said hi and sorry to everyone. Luckily, I was so drunk that I think I just said "who wants drinks" and then we all went and danced for hours. But I know for a fucking fact that everyone was thinking how weird it was that it was happening.

The Aftermath:

That night, my and my friend (girl), ended up going back to our other friends place and watching videos until early in the morning. The girl had put her legs on me on the couch.

The rest of the weekend was weirdly normal with her and I. But I didn't try to bring up anything, as I thought it would just make things stranger.

I texted her last night apologizing for being an idiot. And she said no worries, but I know that that will be hard to forget.

TL;DR: Got jealous over my coworker friend and a girl I really like and made a scene. Pretended nothing happened, and now all that is left are the painful memories and a much more unlikely future.

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Obligatory happened 3 days ago, was fired yesterday. I live about 30 minutes from work. I was going in to open the store and I was the only employee in until the late afternoon. I somehow forgot my work keys, which is a huge mistake. I cannot open the store, and because opening the store is partly digital, I will surely be reprimanded as it will take an hour for me to retrieve my keys and be back in the store. As it so happens, the night before I left my lockpicking tools in my car. I'm really not very skilled, but what is nice about lockpicking is it's hugely trial and error oriented and it's more about the time it takes. Well I figured I wouldn't really have to worry about the cops being called on me as I could prove I was an employee. And I decided that I would spend 5 minutes and if I couldn't get in, I'd call my boss, explain the situation, accept my reprimand, and work towards getting my keys and opening the store. Bonus: Although not out of town, my boss is on vacation.
Well I was able to avoid it, because almost 5 minutes in and I unlock the door. The opening went as planned and my day was normal. Well apparently a neighboring business manager saw my "break-in" and though she is familiar with me, called my boss. And apparently even though I had solved my mistake and opened the store on time, they could no longer employ me because I was somehow a risk to the company (apparently the had some sort of mandatory termination clause for messing with their locks.) So here I am, looking for a new job because I tried my hardest to open the store on time. But yes, I should not have forgotten my key...I understand that.

TLDR: Broke into work, went to work, got fired because policy

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So, I was hired on through a temp agency to drive a golf cart shuttle for a massive holiday fair in my city. I was paid $10 an hour plus tips, easy money. The event lasted three days and my golf cart was rocking because I had lights and music on it. I tried my best to entertain the guests.

On the second day of work, a lady stopped me in the middle of the road to ask a question.

She asked, "Do you work at the convention center?"

I replied, "yes I do."

"Do you know everyone on staff?"

"For the most part"

"Can you do me a favor?" (oh boy)

She proceeds to hand me a To-Go bag, containing an expensive salad, one fancier than your average fast food salad, and said "deliver this to Nancy for me"

I pulled out my radio, clearly not knowing anyone on the staff and asked, "Do we have a Nancy who works here?" Someone responded and sent me where this eleged "Nancy" was stationed at.

This convention center was huge, so it took me awhile to locate the building and drive over there.

When I arrived, I walked around calling out for Nancy. There was no description of what this woman looked like.

I finally found her and I handed the salad to her.

Taking me by surprise, she almost immediately shoved the salad back into my chest.

Without saying a word "Nancy" proceeded to walk in the opposite direction.

I grew up in the south and not that I should expect people to have decent manners, but I wasn't really interrupting anything she was doing. She was just standing at her post.

Anyways, I continued to look for Nancy. After 35 minutes of aimlessly walking around the convention center looking for a "Nancy", one of my coworkers radio-ed in and said, "Bro, it's a free salad, just eat it."

I don't typically eat breakfast and I had not had lunch either.

My survival instincts kicked in and damn, that was the best salad I have ever had. Not to get on a side rant, but usually salad lettuce gets wilted and loses its crispness after about an hour. I was amazed to say the least.

I continue driving around, in a slightly better mood now that my hunger was satiated.

45 minutes later, the same lady that gave me the salad stops me again (oh, shit).

Angrily, the lady proceeded to raise hell with language I could only describe as poetic.

5% of me wanted to tell her that I ate it, but the better half of me wanted to say that I delivered it. This lady was probably packing heat too, and I was not trying to lose my life over a salad.

I ended up telling her that I delivered it to a "Nancy". Little did she know, my stomachs name was now Nancy.

She proceeded to raised hell for 30 minutes. After about 5, I had enough, but proceeded to sit there until she seemed somewhat content. I then pretended like I had something better to do.

She clearly was not content and decided to give another shuttle driver hell. (For the sake of the story, we will call the man, John). John was an experienced shuttle driver and had retired from working on the railroads. At age 77, John told this lady that I was actually out sourced from a company that did not actually exist.

Finally content, the lady left, on a mission to find this company to get me fired.

John later told me, " A word of advice for you, never do personal favors when driving a golf cart shuttle."

TL;DR: I was driving a golf cart for an event and this lady gave me a salad to be delivered. I could not find the lady so I ate the salad, so she hunted me down and gave me hell. A man named John distracted her and she left.

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As usual, this didn’t happen today. This happened over a decade ago but a post on r/funny reminded me of it. On mobile and I’m awful at formatting, so sorry in advance!

I was a child when this happened, and being a bratty, moody kid in a hot, foreign country, I was more often than not in a bad mood.
My mum and I had been arguing when I stormed out to grab lunch (my mum worked at a school and we lived there, so lunch was free from the dining hall). There was of course a long line of other students and I was cranky, and when I finally got my lunch it was apparently all too much for my child-brain so I stormed out with my bowl of food and chopsticks.

I’m not sure why I did this, I think I must have dropped a chopstick but I, enraged by how unbearable life is for a 9 year old, threw down the other chopstick onto the ground so vigorously that the damn thing decided to attack me. It bounced off of the ground and flew right into my eye.
I screamed, dropped my food, and from the pain and tears I was blind. I ran into my apartment building and then up the stairs, yelling for my mother.

So the reason I bring up that we lived on the school property is because so did every other teacher, foreign or local. All the apartment buildings were identical and we hadn’t lived there very long.
When I couldn’t get the door to my apartment open, I assumed my older sisters were being bullies and locked me out. I banged on the door and tried to open it and eventually it swung open.
You can probably see where this is going, but I had managed to walk into an apartment that was very much not mine.
The people who lived there, teachers I’d not spoken to before, were horrified that this small white girl was screaming and crying at their door. I was confused, and I asked them where my mother was. The thing is, I asked them in Chinese and I wasn’t exactly fluent so I think instead of saying “where is my mum”, it sounded like I was saying “my mum, my mum” implying that she hit me...

I ran away and made it to my apartment. I immediately was taken to the doctor and other than needing drops and wear an eye patch for a week, I would be okay.
My mum had to explain to the school that no she did not beat me but that I attacked myself with a chopstick. Luckily there were witnesses. Well, lucky for her, embarrassing for me.

We didn’t stay at that school more than six months, so hopefully it was quickly forgotten. But considering all the other things that occurred (I was a brat, don’t forget) I’m sure they still talk about the “小白魔鬼” (tiny white devil, probably not a great translation) that managed to almost take out her eye and then break into an apartment all within the span of an hour.

TL;DR: chopsticks will fuck your shit up

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The day started off well. As planned, we all woke up and got on our way. The four children were dropped off with a trusted relative. The wife and I merrily ventured into the chaos that is holiday shopping.

It actually wasn't that bad. We shopped, had lunch, finished it off, and picked up our progeny. We had a van load of kids and presents. Told 'em if they looked in the cargo keep, all the presents would disappear. To keep the magic of Christmas alive, we decided that we would wait until the kids went to sleep before unloading. My idea was to tape up some stored boxes and cram everything we bought into the crawlspace, disguised as moving boxes we had yet to discover the contents.

Behold, the fuck up. All was going as planned. We had the Christmas loot in unadorned carton. As I was toting said loot to it's temporary resting place, I backed my fat ass self up into a light bulb. POP! Pain. Bleeding. Disappointment.

Luckily, my loud objections to the current situation didn't wake up any of my impressionable young ones. Quick action by the wife stemmed the bleeding and here I sit with tape and gauze holding me together.

TL;DR - Tried to make the holidays happy for my kids, injured myself instead.

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This happened 4 years ago. On mobile so formatting. My friend and I had wrestling practice at school that day, so after we got home, we decided to be cheeky and practice our takedowns. As Bruce Lee once said, "I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times." I figured I could mask the rest of my wrestling game; as everything else beside my takedowns were more fragile than the feelings of a 14 year old teenage boy. So we begin to practice. Everything was well until we stopped for and chatted about our observations. This is where I goofed. I tried to be cheeky, try to surprise him with a takedown so perfect, he would be afraid to stand with his legs together within a 10 foot radius of me. Alas, did not end the way I wanted- or at the very least expected. Instead of pulling his legs out from underneath him, he pulled his knee right into my face. I fell faster than a man's erection as he gazed upon his naked grandfather. Ended up with a concussion.

TL;DR: Tried to sneaky and take my friend down. Instead, ended up with a knee to my beautiful face....and a concussion

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Sorry in advance, I’m on mobile. Plus first time posting here.

Also, slight content warning, it’s a little bit nasty so if you’re super squeamish maybe don’t read this one.

Anywho, the story. So I’m a nail-biter, and I have been for at least 10 years. And I don’t mean nibble-on-the-edges nail-biting, I mean gnawed-down-to-the-nail-bed-and-beyond nail-biting. It’s awful, I’ve done everything in the book to try to quit, and over time just kind of accepted my habit.

Well, the other day I was laying in bed and absent-mindedly chewing my nails as I scroll through my YouTube home page. Quick note, again it’s disgusting and often leads to getting sick but I also swallow my nails when I bite them. So anyway I peel a giant crescent off my ring finger, and obviously just like popcorn kernel fragments you have to split those fuckers in half or they get stuck in your throat. So I bite it in half and swallow the pieces, like always.

Well...I tried to, anyway. One of the fragments got stuck, i suspected, near the back of my tongue. Assuming it wasn’t a big deal, and exhausted from studying for finals, I just passed out and forgot about it.

The next morning when I woke up there was noticeable pain on my tongue. I had forgotten about the nail, but looked briefly at my tongue in the mirror and saw a large swollen taste bud far enough back that it was just out of reach of my front teeth.

I figured it was just one of those things that tastebuds do every now and then and went about my day.

The next morning I remembered the nail. So, I grabbed a pair of tweezers, sat myself in front of the mirror, and began to poke around. Sure as shit, I somehow managed to impale a single taste bud with that sliver of nail. It was all the way through, I saw it on both sides of the swollen taste bud. It was like it was just speared through. It had been in there a decent amount of time at that point and was kinda soft, and so every time I tried to pull it out I ended up just getting soft little pieces and couldn’t get the whole thing out. It doesn’t help that the entry point was facing toward the back of my mouth, so it was very difficult to even access to try to pull out (because obviously I don’t want to pull that thing through).

Eventually (after almost a full hour of working on it) I had to be somewhere and just accepted the little bit of progress I made.

Two days later (today) and there’s still a little piece of fingernail jammed in that sucker. The swelling is almost completely down, though. I don’t know how fast tastebuds...regenerate? Regrow? I don’t know, I’m an engineer, not a doctor. It hurts when I poke around in there but otherwise is fine, so I’m just gonna let it do its thing and hope for the best.

Just thought I’d share, since this is something that a) was incredibly stupid b) I’ve never heard of happening, nor considered a possibility and c) I will never share with people I know in real life because, ew.

Sadly, this has not deterred my nail-biting habit.

TL;DR I gored a single tastebud with my fingernail.

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Obligatory not today, but in 6th grade.

So I get random obsessions with hobbies for a couple days and then forget about it. At the time, this hobby was paper airplane folding and flying. I folded a nice glider, and flew it in the back corner of the lunch room. My principal told me to stop. I folded it in half and put it in my trapper. Later that day, school ended, and I stayed in class a couple minutes to talk to my teacher about the book we were reading. So here I am, walking down this empty hallway, after school was over. I pull out my paper airplane, and throw it straight up into the air. Since it is a glider, it doesn't like that and crashes directly back into the ground. At the moment of impact, my principal walks out of the bathroom (about 50ft down the hallway) and sees it land. He just gives me the "c'mere" hand signal. I follow him, shitting bricks. He sits down. "I've had it with you." I have no idea what he means by this. I had a perfect record. "I'm done." He then slaps his desk. "THURSDAY SCHOOL!" At my school, our detentions are 3 hour long prisons that take place every Thursday. I get pissed and tell him to fuck off in 6thgradese. "No! I'm not going!" He just giggles and says "sure..." I had an interview that Thursday from 4-5. The interview was for my grade skip. I ended up missing the interview because my mom didn't understand the full story and made me go to the detention, so I am stuck in this shitty middle school for another year. 8th grade now. I got another bullshit detention, but that's a story for another time.

Tldr Threw a paper airplane after school was out, in an empty hallway. Principal conviniently walks out of the bathroom just to see it land, ruins his star student.

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LTL FTP all that fun stuff. This actually happened earlier today.

For context I'm a 17 y/o student who works at my local McDonalds weekends and some evenings for some extra cash, not a bad job but some of the weekend rushes can get hectic, which can lead to me taking a few shortcuts to try and get the food out as fast as I can, which is where the fuck up happened.

As the title implies, I was working on the deep fryer on chicken, which is largely my favourite position as I am mostly out of view of customers and I have spent by far the most time on this position, so it requires a lot less active thinking on my part. This combined with the huge lunch rush of customers led me to what happened next.

Rather than moving the basket to the side of the deep fryer to then put the food in and place the basket with the food inside into the oil, I was dropping the food straight into the basket whilst they hung over the oil, then lowering the basket in. Saves a few seconds, which is vital when the trays are piling up. Whilst doing this, two chicken mayos slipped out my hand and fell directly into the vat. "No big deal" I thought, and I got the chicken tongs to fish them out and promptly bin them. First one came out nice and easily, and was thrown away, not a problem. Second one didn't play so nice. I kept pulling the tongs up with bits of broken off chicken, which led me to fish around to try and get a proper hold on it. What I didn't realise, is that the tongs were actually not as long as I had thought, and my index finger which was resting down the side of them, fell into the vat of oil.

Immediately went to run my finger under cold water, which I only did for around 2 minutes as opposed to the advised 10 as I really couldn't afford to not be working, lunch rush can be brutal. Finger has been in mild pain since with a clearly developed burn up to the knuckle. I tried to take a few minutes here and there to run it under cold water where I could afford the time, as I'm too socially awkward to ask someone to cover my station for 10 minutes whilst I cool down my finger. Luckily the burn is no worse than 1st degree, but I would prefer to have avoided trying to turn my finger into someone elses lunch.

tl;dr Finger slipped into deep fry vat whilst trying to rescue a fallen chicken mayo. Too awkward to try and get cover on my station to deal with it. Now have burn covering half my index finger

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