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ORIGINAL POST: Tricky areas with consent in my relationship

Wow. To start, I would just like to say how grateful I am to everyone who commented. The advice I received was so kind, understanding and helpful. I was so overcome with gratitude. I didn’t respond to many because I didn’t know how to properly express how incredible it was that strangers would take time to be so kind to me.

I’m really sorry for the late update. I wanted to take my time and read every comment. I wanted to let every comment really stick to my brain. I took time to let everyone’s words stew in my mind. I did a lot of self reflection. I realised a lot of things.

I broke up with him. It was so so hard, and I am sad, but I understand that it was definitely for the best. I was so unhappy. He was very against the idea of breaking up but I just told him I’d decided and there was nothing else to say on it.

There was so much I left out of my post. My gut told me that what he did to me was wrong. After reading everyone’s comments I think I was very right. He wasn’t very kind to me, honestly. He would get angry when I would get anxious and he would call me a “cunt” or a “stupid bitch” when we would fight over stupid things. He would have sex with me when I was asleep. He would call me pathetic.

I mistook his affection for being a good partner. I mistook him kissing me and calling me baby for being kind. These are kind actions, yes, but they don’t hold the same weight when he’s disrespecting my boundaries in bed and disrespecting my feelings in life.

I think it’s time I cared for me. I was desperately trying to make him like me, dulling down every part of me that is interesting so I’m a “cute” and “domestic” partner. Ignoring my feelings and needs so he would be comfortable. This was hurting me so much. I didn’t even realise it until other people pointed out that my “perfect” boyfriend was acting kind of shitty.

It was a bit of an epiphany. I feel better than I have for so long. I feel happy and I feel hopeful. I want to love myself. He really skewed how I felt about my sexuality and myself. I really want to care for myself. I want to fix the ways I was hurt and I want to take time to be single and heal before I find a super kind, respectful partner in the future (or don’t!! Thank you to everyone who made me realise I don’t even need a partner to be happy and successful!). I’ve spent time with my friends. Apologised for the way I had distanced myself from them during my relationship. One of my friends and I have booked an overseas trip for after graduation. I’m so excited for it.

I’m so excited to discover who I am without him. I’m looking forward to the future. I’ve never felt more hopeful.

A lot of people said I was raped. This is a very hard thing for me to come to terms with. I understand why people said it. Some of the acts felt very assaulting, and if it was anyone else aside from me telling me that their lover had done to them what mine had done to me, I would also say it was sexual assault.

To be completely honest, I am struggling with the idea that it classifies as rape - I feel a bit like a fraud. Someone said to call my situation rape was completely delegitimising actual rape victims. While so many kind people stood up for me against this person, what they said stuck and I feel a bit worried. I have accepted that it was sexual assault. I’m still struggling with the word rape.

I asked my mum to book me in for therapy again. She asked if I was alright and I left it kind of vague. I just said that I was stressed about school - I still feel a bit nervous about telling the people in my life about why I ended the relationship and what was happening. I hope I can get over that. I had a therapist I saw after my cancer and I have an appointment for next week.

I’m going to try really hard to make my life and my world about me :)

Thank you again to everyone. Thank you so so much. I would’ve stayed with him if it wasn’t for the (sometimes harsh, mostly kind, always eye opening) advice I received from 1.3K people!! Wow! That’s so many people.

I probably would have married him. I never would have left him if it hadn’t been for the slap in the face the response to my post caused. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

I’m so happy. It’s a bittersweet kind of happy. He was my best friend, my person, I loved him and I loved his family. I’m sad to leave him and to make the call. But my heart and brain are more important than that. I feel relief. I don’t feel like I have to always look gorgeous. I feel like I can do whatever the heck I want, and it’s so wonderful.

I’m free :)

TLDR: I broke up with him! I’m happy!

6.1k
352 comments

This is a bit mean.

Tough.

I understand disagreeing with me, or giving me criticism, but your comment just reads bitter and unhelpful.

I am not here to help, because I do not believe your story.

You posted this publicly so I have given my opinion based on what little information that can be gathered. Which is why I generally feel public forums are a bad place to post serious topics.

No one has personal knowledge of you or the situation to discern if your story is true. People take advantage of the anonymity the internet provides to post sensational, attention grabbing stories because they are not subject to the same level of scrutiny or fact checking. Like it or not, sexual assault is the "popular topic" of today and it's a goldmine for miserable people to feed their need for attention and sick entertainment.

Social media is the worst place for this type of stuff in my opinion, real or fiction. Every story that is proven fake just further undermines the victims of real sexual assault when they come forward. I would rather people not make it a spectacle.

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Original Poster1 point · 3 days ago

Okay. I understand why you don’t believe me. I just think it’s a bit rough to be mean because what I wrote is true and actually happened. I respect your right to give your input and not believe me but that doesn’t make it nice for me when something very real is getting torn apart for being fake.

Again I understand especially in today’s climate why you’d believe it’s fake. But I’m allowed to be upset and bothered with how you approached it. I just don’t think it’s that helpful.

You understand why I don't believe you. You respect my right to give input. You understand how the climate might lead me to believe it is fake. All this said, it baffles you why I am being "mean" to you?

I thought my last response covered why I am being so "mean" fairly well:

Every story that is proven fake just further undermines the victims of real sexual assault when they come forward.

Gee, after that statement, why would I be rough on someone whom I believe to be lying?

You are attempting to play the victim card with me and elicit sympathy. Problem is, that does not work when I have made it fairly clear I do not believe you.

Like I already stated before, I don't know who you are. YOU chose to make a public spectacle out of a private matter. Alas, here I am, one anonymous person giving my opinion on another anonymous person's public story. Reeks of fabrication, not much else too it.

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Original Poster1 point · 3 days ago

To be honest, you seem like a bit of an asshole. Here’s the thing - If you believe I am lying, but you can’t prove it, why would you comment? Why would you be rude to a victim of sexual assault if you weren’t sure if it was true? You very obviously lack empathy. If you were truly empathetic to victims of sexual assault, instead of risking delegitimising someone’s sexual assault because you don’t believe them, you would keep quiet. At least, I would, unless I could prove it wrong.

You don’t have the proof and you’re repeatedly going out of your way to be nasty to me. My story is true, and you’re being rude. You’re being disrespectful to me.

I understand why you don’t believe me, but if you have such an empathy for people who have been sexually assaulted, why would you ever risk making one feel bad for their assault. I just don’t understand your logic or intention at all. I’m responding to defend myself. You, who I assume is a grown man or woman, are going out of your way to make me feel bad about my post. I don’t understand it.

Personally, if I doubted someone’s post, I just wouldn’t comment, but I guess you feel your input is important and valued.

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4.9k

Hi everyone!!

I’m a 17 year old girl stuck in a bit of an uncomfortable mind space. I have a 19 year old boyfriend and we’ve been best friends since I was 13. We started dating when I was 15, and started having sex pretty much as soon as I turned 16. So, he’s a very significant part of my life and has been for a very long time.

He is kind and patient. He’s funny, and we like the same video games and places to go. We have fun and he cares for me a lot. He makes me feel loved and sexy. He makes me feel wanted. I love being around him and I care about him so much.

However, there are a few sexual situations that have made me a bit worried. I haven’t been able to discuss them with any real life friends as I really don’t want to disrespect my boyfriend or tarnish his reputation.

These are a few examples of the awkward sex times:

  • he fingered me in the butthole when I asked him not to. He initially asked if I wanted him to pop a finger in, to which I adamantly said no to, and he put it in anyway. I told him to stop and to get out but he just kept fingering me. I froze and he finished and afterwards I told him how I didn’t want him to and he joked about it. He continues to do it in sex.

  • he came inside me when I asked him not to. I have an IUD so I’m usually totally fine with having him cum inside me but I had a new one placed and my gynaecologist told me to use condoms while my body adjusted. We compromised and agreed on the pull out method. When he was about to cum, he asked me what I wanted, and I requested he pull out. Then he asked again and I reaffirmed it. Then he kept having sex with me before saying that he was cumming inside me. I asked him to pull out but he just kept at it. I cried after sex. He made jokes about it afterwards. I brought it up a few days later and told him it upset me and he said he felt like a real piece of shit for it and I ended up comforting him.

  • said I didn’t want to have sex when he woke me up at 3am for it, as I felt sick. He then got quite upset with me until I sort of felt like I had to say yes to avoid him being angry with me or him having issues with me? We fucked even though I felt like I was going to spew and he knew how poorly I was.

  • wanted to do anal. I didn’t want to. Got me really drunk to try it. It hurt and I asked him to stop. He asked me to keep trying. I said it hurt. He stopped.

These are a few examples. I’m not sure how well my semi illiterate brain is at communicating these events but I’ve just sort of been worrying about them.

I tend to get a bit anxious during sex because it feels very out of my control. I feel like he could do anything and if I said no, it wouldn’t really matter. This is such a frustrating way to feel because he’s such a good and kind lover.

He’s so caring towards me particularly when I’m dealing with the symptoms to a chronic illness I have, and tries hard to make me happy.

We get along so well and I really want to be a good partner sexually for him.

Should I be more open sexually? Should I let him try more things? If it’s not an issue with me, how should I communicated it to him? He knows that the sex when I was sick made me feel pressured and that it upset me that he came inside me when I requested he didn’t. He doesn’t know that the fingering thing made me feel a bit sad. Is it worth bringing up again or should I just be more firm?

Please help! I’ve no idea if I’m not being good enough and I don’t want to hurt him. I need advice! I don’t have anyone else to turn to about it.

TLDR: my boyfriend is amazing and I love him but sex gets a little bit sad for me sometimes. Am I doing something wrong?

UPDATE: update post

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1.3k comments

Either this is all bullshit or you are acting extremely naive.

I am going with bullshit, because each of your examples is extremely leading. All of them are examples of sexual assault and non-consent and you know it.

You've constructed every part of your story in a way to guide us to the notion that you are just a "naive girl, who is unknowingly being sexually assaulted by her AMAZING boyfriend."

So again, either it's bullshit or you're playing dumb.

Am I doing something wrong?

This made me roll my eyes so hard I nearly saw my brain. It is incredible how poorly contrived this story and your thought process is, yet people still feed into it.

Just to account for the 0.000001% chance this is true, if I stuck my finger in my wife's asshole when she didn't want me to and I didn't stop, she would break my nose.

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Original Poster2 points · 3 days ago

Hi. I see you made a pretty angry comment on my new post. This one is pretty angry too. I’m sorry for making you feel mislead. If there’s a way I can prove my story to a mod then I would like to. What I wrote is true. I didn’t do anything when he disrespected my boundaries because initially, to me, I wasn’t sure if it was me overreacting as I’d consented to the sex. I was also pretty taken aback. I froze when he stuck his finger inside me because I was scared and didn’t want him to be angry if I reacted poorly. I didn’t feel safe enough to “break his nose”. He was usually very kind to me which made me feel like his behaviour towards me during sex was in a grey area. what I wrote is all true. My account is new because I wanted to use a throwaway - I have another reddit account but it’s the username I use for social media + my boyfriend uses reddit. The only thing slightly fabricated is the age we became friends (in reality it was earlier). I did that because if he stumbled upon this post I didn’t want him to immediately connect the dots.

Again I’m sorry for making you feel this way. I still appreciate your comment. If there’s a way to verify I’d like to.

My wife and a family member went through traumatic sexual abuse. I am no expert, but your story is peculiar and too "perfect". I already went into details about why I think this, so I won't waste time reiterating.

I don't believe you or your story and I am disgusted at the idea that someone would use a truly traumatic situation for attention.

When all is said and done, neither of us can prove anything. If you could then I would say don't waste time and ignore me. Otherwise if I am correct shame on you.

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Original Poster1 point · 3 days ago

It frustrates me a lot that you’re being a bit aggressive with me just because your opinion is that I made my story up. I’m really sorry to hear about your wife and family member and I hope that they’re okay.

What I wrote happened. I wish you would believe me. The reason I wrote it was not for attention but because I didn’t feel ready to ask friends and family for their advice.

If you would say don’t waste time and ignore me if I could prove it to you, why bother commenting in the first place?

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